OM

Tonight I went to my first Yoga class thanks to a very good friend. I had heard from other people and even a doctor that Yoga was a perfect way to reduce stress, and Lord knows I need it! The class was held at Midtown Yoga. I arrived before my friend, because she’ll be late for her funeral! Anyway, the teacher of the class introduced me and got me set-up with a mat and some foam bricks. All I could think was, “What the hell are the bricks for?” (they were used for stability)

The class started and we began with meditation, and light stretching. We began to slowly get into poses. They were difficult, but onceachievedved the pose, I could feel myself opening. It was beautiful. All the negative thoughts I had were leaving me, all the crap from the day, all the hard emotional B.S. wdisappearinging. My breathing became more regular and by the end of the class I felt so much better.

Once I got home, I felt I needed to look up the meaning of Om, this is what I found: Om is a mantra, or vibration, that is traditionally chanted at the beginning and end of yoga sessions. It is said to be the sound of the universe. At first I felt a little funny saying this along with everyone, but eventually it didn't bother me and it actually gave me some peace.

I really loved the class, and I can't wait to go back. I just feel so peaceful, anything that makes me feel this peaceful has got to be good for me.

Namaste

You can help

While reading this weekend, I came across this passage in a book that dealt with abuse. One statement read, "the limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else...if someone else abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."

As a survivor of domestic violence (a past boyfriend), this was a total eye-opener to me. I had dealt with the thought of low self-esteem, but I had never thought of having a low self-esteem and beating yourself up of minor things - I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough - as being a form of self-abuse. At some point a person needs to wake up and say, "I'm not perfect...I am going to accept myself the way I am." Once you can learn to accept yourself, you're ready for other people to accept you.

Here are some Dating Domestic Violence Facts:
- Women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rates of domestic violence
- 70% of teenage and college women who are sexually assaulted, are raped during the course of a date
- 53% of victims of domestic violence were abused by a current or former boyfriend or girlfriend
- Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship report that their boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm when presented with a breakup

If you or someone you know is a victim of dating violence and wants help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.

Gobble, Gobble?

Okay, so Thanksgiving is one of the ultimate food holidays, right? You expect to be so full that you can't move.....right? That's what I expect every year. This year, however was a totally different story. I spent the day at my father's house this year, I wasn't in the mood to have people at my apartment. Anyway, my father asked me to bring some sweet potato pies - one of the few things that I can make from scratch. He said that he and his wife would be taking care of everything else; the ham, turkey, greens, etc...

I get there early with my three sweet potato pies in tow and walk in the kitchen and all I smell is greens cooking on the stove. My stepmother said that the turkey was done and that the ham was in the refridgerator - huh?! She bought a ham this year and it's been in the fridge since Tuesday. Not a good sign.

So we're sitting and waiting for everyone to finally get to the house. I arrived at 11am, we didn't eat until 2pm. I was starving! She put out appetizers which consisted of a handful of cheese squares and about 6 kosher dill pickles cut in cubes on a tray; a jar of salsa con queso heated in the microwave next to a bag of tortilla chips, and some little smokies. Yet, another bad sign.

We finally bless the food and literally line up to fix our plates. I'm waiting in line and this is what I ended up with:
some ham (okay, I got a lot of ham - I later found out that this was a wise move)
some potato salad(store bought)
passed on the chitlin's
should have thought twice on the greens
a big spoonful of mac-n-cheese
skipped the noodle-spinach-tomato thing
skipped the meatless lasagna
skipped the dressing(it had mushrooms on top - seriously!)
got one of the hardest rolls I have ever seen in my life and made my way to the table.

As I was walking to the table, I was thinking, "where are the green beans, corn, cornbread and spaghetti?" How do you have a Thanksgiving dinner without these staple items? So I try to overlook this and concentrate on my plate. The ham was good, the potato salad was a little runny, but okay. The greens.....oh, the greens......where can I start? They tasted like they were from a can, not the Glory kind that some people like, but an off brand of canned turnip greens. The only way I can describe them is fake. I think they were a lettuce that was trying to pass itself as turnip greens. Needless to say, I didn't eat them all. Mac-n-cheese was a little questionable, but edible. The roll was just on my plate for decoration.

On to dessert. There were the sweet potato pies that I made, two pumpkin pies, a sugar-free pie thing(I wasn't touching that), a red velvet cake and a store bought lemon pie. Where the hell was the chocolate??? No brownies, no devil's food cake, nothing......

I am so hungry. You're not supposed to be hungry on Thanksgiving. If anybody feels like bringing me a plate of a real Thanksgiving meal, let me know and I'll give you directions.

**UPDATE***
My sister is my dawg......she felt my pain. I had to post what she sent me.

What I'm Thankful For...

Think back to elementary school when you had to stand in front of the class and tell what you were thankful for. This time of year has me pondering what I'm thankful for. A lot has happened in my life this year, at one point I probably wouldn't have been able to think of anything. Here's my list(in no particular order):

I am thankful for
Jesus Christ, who is my strength
Andrew Jr. - my little helper, I'm so proud of him
Christopher - my little bully- his smile just brightens my day
Theresa - You are one of the funniest people that I know, you need your own comedy hour
Drew - We've been through so much lately; I'm thankful for all of the good times we had
Harry - You've helped me realize that I am stronger than I ever thought I was
Susan - You've always been there for me, even when I was wrong
Paige & Jennifer - You keep me from quitting :)
Mom - I'm thankful that you've supported me in everything I've done
Khayree - Your honesty and your humor have always been your strong points - I'm thankful that we've been friends since '93

I'm also thankful that I've got a wonderful apartment, no car note and a job that I can go to everyday. I'm thankful that each day is a new day with new challenges. I'm thankful that even though times are hard right now, things are a changin'. I'm thankful that I know nothing is going to stop me from being happy.

I'm thankful for everyone in my life, I love each and every one of them, and I can't imagine my life without them.

I'm thankful for each of you, not just this Thanksgiving, but everyday.

Were they all bad?

Not all relationships are bad.
Not all bad relationships are entirely bad.

That being said, I've been in my share of good and bad relationships. I've been in relationships where there was nothing fundamentally wrong, we just didn't click. I've been in relationships where we were both really selfish and stubborn. I've also been in abusive relationships. One can read all of that and ask, "Was it all bad?" No, it wasn't. "So, what were some of the good aspects of past relationships?"

These are my thoughts (some are about the same person - I haven't had relationships with that many people):

- One made the best late-night sandwiches :)
- One taught me how to play Mortal Kombat(get over here!)
- Two shared my passion for music
- One would get restless and like to drive around the city and talk for hours (this was obviously before the gas prices went through the roof)
- One would rub my back when I couldn't sleep
- One helped me through the death of my grandmother
- One helped me through a situation that could have taken my life
- One wasn't intimidated by my father
- One helped me to become more outgoing
- One made me realize that I like to host parties
- One helped me realize who my real friends are
- One taught me how to make Apple Martini's
- One helped me realize that I'm not always right
- One helped me realize that I'm funny
- One gave me the most precious gifts that I never knew I wanted
- One made me feel like a Queen on my 21st birthday

Looking back on some of the relationships, there are some that once they were over, I was relieved. There were others that I was regretful. There were some that it took time to get over them. Every relationship - good or bad - can teach you things; things to help for the next relationship.

What have I learned from the past to help with the future?
1. Don't ever be afraid to say NO
2. Stand up for what you believe in
3. Do not expect people to be mind-readers; say what you want
4. An argument is not the end of the world; resolve it and move on
5. Don't give in all the time
6. Spice things up from time to time - monotony is boring
7. Don't spend every waking minute with them - have your own life
8. Don't get your feelings hurt if he doesn't like the sweater you just bought
9. You don't have to love what he loves - but support him on it
10. Don't change what you like because he doesn't like it
11. Don't always expect him to drive
12. Just because he's not talking doesn't mean he's mad

Life is a lesson - pay attention, take notes; you never know when there's a test!

What about the next dude?

I was recently asked the question, "What are you looking for in a man?" This is not an easy question to answer if you've been through a string of bad relationships. It's obvious that you don't want somebody like the yahoo before :) You want a good man, but what defines a good man? Here is my list of qualifications (in no particular order):

- Single
- Faithful (to me and to himself)
- Loyal
- Literate(reads for sheer enjoyment, for educating purposes, reads to children)
- Sound(mentally)
- Intelligent but not arrogant
- Considerate
- Strong (emotionally, spiritually, mentally)
- Fun
- Honest with his feelings, thoughts and desires
- Responsible
- Emotionally available
- Eager to learn new things and new ways to do old things
- Rich in spirtiual beliefs
- Employed
- Confidant
- Sensitive and gentle, but not a pushover
- Articulate

Some people think of a good man as the man who will ride in on a white horse and climb to the tallest tower to rescue you, in a sense that's what some women are looking for; someone to rescue them. I do not want anybody to rescue me, I want someone who will go through the fire with me. Someone who is willing to stand by my side in good and bad. Someone who will call me on my shit, but never degrading. Someone who'll let me pick the movie from time to time. Someone who knows how to be sexy. Someone who'll make the biscuits because he knows I'll burn them. Someone who'll surprise me with a homecooked meal. Someone whose not afraid to make a pallet on the floor and fall asleep watching movies with me. Someone who loves his family, whether they are disfunctional or not. Someone who loves music. Someone who will never put his hands on a woman.

I read somewhere that the search for a good man begins with yourself. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, prayer, meditation on the premise of Am I a good woman? There were many times in relationships that I was told that I wasn't good enough. Sometimes it was subtle, "Why don't you grow your hair?, Why don't you wear more skirts?, Why don't you wear make-up everyday?" Sometimes it was very direct, "You know you're not really my type." It's hard to be there for someone and try to accept their faults, but to have them constantly throw yours in your face. I struggle because I have been in abusive(mentally, physically, emotionally) relationships before, I don't want to find myself in another one.

I know that a good man is out there for me, we just haven't found each other yet.

Prayers of a 3-year old

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

May angels watch me through the night

And keep them in thy blessed sight

My 3-year old knows his prayers and says them most nights. Recently, he's been adding the line, "God bless..." and then he names all of the people that he wants God to watch over. What struck me was the innocence he displayed, he named people that really mean something to him. He mentioned mommy, daddy and his brother, but he also mentioned his Gramps, Grandmama, Granny, Aunties, cousins.

While he's mentioning the people in his family, you could see his thought process. He mentioned his teacher Miss Lynn, Jennie - the neighbor down the street, and people that he encounters frequently - Mark and Paige, Miss Dawn, Uncle Harry and Mister Cory.

It takes a child to make you reflect on who you would ask God to bless. He never thought about who has wronged him, who has made him cry, who he likes today. He just asked for God to bless everyone in his life. It was kind of poetic, listening to this child rattle off names of everyone who was important to him.

I'll include all of those people in my prayers tonight because I know that all of those people are important one way or another in my child's life. If they are important enough for my son to include in his - I can include them in mine. I want God to continue to bless all of the people that my son thinks are important along with all of the people I think are important.

There are time when you have to take a step back and listen. Sometimes its the smallest voice that can make the loudest impact on you.

God bless everyone who reads this.

Does a bear s%*t in the woods?

I have no idea if bears do or not, but I know I don't. I survived two nights at Natchez Trace State park.
We drove up on Friday night and set up camp(in the dark). Once we got the tent set up, we made a fire and sat around and drank and talked for about two hours. Our campsite had a bathhouse, which ordinarily is a good thing - this time it wasn't, because it was out of order. Unless we wanted to pee in the woods(I was not comfortable with that) we had to walk through this trail to the nearest bathroom - it took about 5-6 minutes to walk it.

We went to sleep the first night - I haven't slept that soundly in months. Woke up the next morning around 8am, and had some cereal and coffee - some things I am not willing to compromise. Saturday was a good day, I went fishing for the first time. This is what I learned about my fishing skills:

I cast really well - I think it has something to do with my long arms

I am not patient enough to leave the line in the water longer than 2 minutes

Seeing a caught fish flopping around on the bank creeps me out

I had/have no intention of eating anything I caught

I am really good at catching the brush and having to cut the line :)

We fished around an two hours. I really worked up an appetite - back to the campsite for sandwiches. One thing that no one liked about our campsite is that we shared it with yellowjackets. The only time that we didn't notice the yellowjackets is when it was dark. During the day, the bugged(ha) the hell out of us.

After lunch, I came down with a case of niggeritis - it was time to lay it down. I took a nap for about two hours. In that time, I missed canoeing on the lake. I'm not sure I missed much because everybody came back really sore - while I was well rested.

Saturday night, we made chili and had frito-pies and chili-dogs. Talked forever and made s'mores - I had enough chocolate and marshmallows to last me until next fall. We turned it in about 9:30. Around 3am, it started to storm. We didn't get wet, but imagine sleeping outside listening to the rain for two hours - what do you think was going to happen? I had to pee so bad, I thought I was going to start crying because of the pain. I had two options: 1. hold out for the rain to stop, or 2. fight through the storm to go to the bathroom. Which option do you think I took? Consider the fact that I can't just wash my hair and go? That's right, I waited it out.

This had to have been one of the hardest things I had to do. By the time the rain stopped, I was hurting so bad, I couldn't bend over to tie my shoes. As me and my friend Jennifer started to head toward the bathroom, I realized that I wasn't going to make it. Yep, I had to pee in the woods!! All I could think of was that I was going to either pee down my leg or pee on my shoes. At this point, I don't think I cared. I found the perfect tree to lean against and let go - I didn't think I was going to stop. I looked down and noticed a spider at my foot - it looked like he was watching. In all of the woods, I had to pee near a perverted spider - it figures!!

Anyway, I survived that and made it back to camp and went back to sleep. We woke up around 7:30, ate a light breakfast, and packed up everything to head home. In all, I think it was great. Camping is a good way to get refreshed and get grounded again. There were no cellphones - no reception; no tv, no radio, no internet. I brought my journal, got some good thoughts down. Able to think a lot of things clear, really take time to myself. My head is really clear now.

This was a good trip.

The Great Outdoors

This weekend I'll be going camping.......I'll let you know how it was. Hopefully, I won't get attacked by a deer or something.

Bring on the s'mores!!

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

taken from John Legend, :solo sessions, vol. 1: live at the knitting factory

Baby, do you understand me now

And though sometimes you see that I am mad

No one can always be an angel

When everything goes wrong you'll see some bad

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Sometimes I'm so carefree

With a joy that's hard to hide

Most of the time I'm so full of worry

And then you're bound to see my other side

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy, I want you to know

I never mean to take it out on you, no

Life has it's problems and I've got more than my share

And that's one thing I never want to do...'cause I love you baby

I'm just human

I have thoughts like any one

Sometimes I think I'll spend the rest of my life regretting

Some simple thing that I have done

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood