It's hard to forgive someone that has hurt you. Someone that has held your heart, your trust in their hands and then crushed it. It has been put into my heart to forgive those that have hurt me. I no longer give you the power that you've had over me emotionally - I forgive you!!!
To the friend that hurt me in the past - I forgive you.
To the boyfriend(s) that abused me - I forgive you.
To the family member that hurt me - I forgive you.
To the ex-husband that hurt me - I forgive you.
To the friend that abandonded me in my time of need - I forgive you.
In order for me to become a better person and to truly move on with my life - I forgive all of these people. Some of them know the pain that they have caused me, some may not know. I still forgive them all.
To those people that I have hurt in my life - please forgive me.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Choices
I am one of the worst people I know at making a decision. I'm always so afraid that I'll make the wrong one, that it takes me forever to decide on something. Now, I'm not just talking about big, life changing decisions, but also small ones as well. I can usually make a pretty good argument for either option in a decision. There are times that I don't make good choices; let me rephrase that - there are times in my life that I don't make smart choices. I don't take enough time to weigh all of the options and I go on my instinct. Sometimes, I'm the only person that is affected and other times, it's a whole slew of people. I can think of some decisions that I've made this year that I really should have thought a little on them before I decided. The problem with some of them is that once I realized that I didn't think things through and that I should done things differently; I was too afraid to reverse the decision. I didn't want to hurt and/or disappoint people. On one occasion, I couldn't live with the guilt any longer and I had to hurt the other person. I never wanted to hurt this person and they didn't deserve that type of pain. To that person, I am very sorry.
I've been trying to take my time on things; choices about my job, relationships and even things I do with my children. I'm learning to be patient, not to rush and wait on things. It's a hard lesson to go through day by day, but I know that I'll be a better person for it.
I've been trying to take my time on things; choices about my job, relationships and even things I do with my children. I'm learning to be patient, not to rush and wait on things. It's a hard lesson to go through day by day, but I know that I'll be a better person for it.
The Power of Prayer
We live in such an instant gratification world, we're used to getting things immediately. You send an email and someone responds to it instantly - almost if you're talking to the person on the phone. This is not the same with prayer. Asking for something in prayer - does not always give a return instantly.
I have a friend whose mother has been ill and in the hospital. When I first learned of this, I sat up in my bed and began to pray for his mother, for him, and for their family. Everyday since, I have prayed for them. There are times throughout the day - whether at work, or in the car, or in the shower that I have stopped what I was doing and begun to pray. I'm not one of those people that know the scripture like the back of my hand and quote scripture, but my prayer comes from the bottom of my heart. Even throughout this prayer, I still felt helpless, I felt like I should have been doing something - not sure what; but something.
My friend - who I love completely - is an incredibly private person who values his family more than anything. I want to be there for him and his family when they need me - the problem is that so many people have said the same thing to him, and not everyone means it. I have given him his space and allowed him to come to me when he's ready and when he needs me. It's difficult - but you cannot push a person to do something that they're not ready to do. I think it's important for me to not always ask the same question when I do talk to him - the very one that he's being asked everyday, all day - "How's your mother?" "what have you found out?". I've tried to be an escape for him - a place where he can go to get away and not have to answer the same question all the time.
To my friend - I love you and I pray for your mother and for your family, everyday. When you need me, I'm here.
I have a friend whose mother has been ill and in the hospital. When I first learned of this, I sat up in my bed and began to pray for his mother, for him, and for their family. Everyday since, I have prayed for them. There are times throughout the day - whether at work, or in the car, or in the shower that I have stopped what I was doing and begun to pray. I'm not one of those people that know the scripture like the back of my hand and quote scripture, but my prayer comes from the bottom of my heart. Even throughout this prayer, I still felt helpless, I felt like I should have been doing something - not sure what; but something.
My friend - who I love completely - is an incredibly private person who values his family more than anything. I want to be there for him and his family when they need me - the problem is that so many people have said the same thing to him, and not everyone means it. I have given him his space and allowed him to come to me when he's ready and when he needs me. It's difficult - but you cannot push a person to do something that they're not ready to do. I think it's important for me to not always ask the same question when I do talk to him - the very one that he's being asked everyday, all day - "How's your mother?" "what have you found out?". I've tried to be an escape for him - a place where he can go to get away and not have to answer the same question all the time.
To my friend - I love you and I pray for your mother and for your family, everyday. When you need me, I'm here.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Bumping into...
This has been the weirdest couple of months.
Episode #1 - I recently went to a T.I. concert (appearance is more like it) with a really good friend of mine. While in the line to get in, I'm looking over the banister and I think I see my psycho ex from high school. I'm thinking to myself that it can't be him because he should be in Iraq - but as I get a closer look, it is him!!! I immediately start panicking. When I say this guy is crazy, I mean crazy. He was abusive as well; which is why I started panicking. I haven't seen this guy since 1997 or '98. So, for a split second (actually, 5 hours), I wanted to go home. I couldn't imagine being in the same enclosed space with him for more than 2 seconds. Not that I thought he would do anything to me, I just didn't want to be near him. I spent most of the evening making sure I knew where he was, so that I couldn't be surprised at any point. He never said anything the entire evening, but his prescence was enough to ruin my night.
Episode #2 - I get this Tiger Band Alumni email every so often. Most of the time, I never read them, but this time I did. It was something about a drumline reunion and it had people that they were looking for and one of the emails was my college ex. I have no idea why I did what I did next - I emailed him. I didn't think I'd get a response back, but I did. I asked how he was doing and we exchanged emails talking about kids and families and whatnot. This went on for about a day. We decided that it was just too weird talking to each other after such a long time and I wished him well and that was that. This guy wasn't a psycho when we were dating, we were simply young and immature.
Episode #3 - So, I'm in the grocery store yesterday with my kids - who by the way are acting like complete monkeys. We're turning the corner to get milk and butter, when I see this guy. He's tall, kinda muscular and its my other high school ex!!! All I could think was you gotta be kidding me!! I was trying to think of my options, do I quickly turn the other way and try to avoid him, or do I continue to get my butter? I opt to get the butter and make the best of the situation. I walk over and speak to him and we have a pretty light conversation about what we've each been up to and kids, work, etc... We say our goodbyes and that was that.
I don't know what is going on....why are all these guys crossing my path? I don't know. Talking to each one was extremely awkward and slightly uncomfortable, especially episode 1. I'm starting to get afraid to walk out of the house because I'm afraid I'll run into another ex :)
Episode #1 - I recently went to a T.I. concert (appearance is more like it) with a really good friend of mine. While in the line to get in, I'm looking over the banister and I think I see my psycho ex from high school. I'm thinking to myself that it can't be him because he should be in Iraq - but as I get a closer look, it is him!!! I immediately start panicking. When I say this guy is crazy, I mean crazy. He was abusive as well; which is why I started panicking. I haven't seen this guy since 1997 or '98. So, for a split second (actually, 5 hours), I wanted to go home. I couldn't imagine being in the same enclosed space with him for more than 2 seconds. Not that I thought he would do anything to me, I just didn't want to be near him. I spent most of the evening making sure I knew where he was, so that I couldn't be surprised at any point. He never said anything the entire evening, but his prescence was enough to ruin my night.
Episode #2 - I get this Tiger Band Alumni email every so often. Most of the time, I never read them, but this time I did. It was something about a drumline reunion and it had people that they were looking for and one of the emails was my college ex. I have no idea why I did what I did next - I emailed him. I didn't think I'd get a response back, but I did. I asked how he was doing and we exchanged emails talking about kids and families and whatnot. This went on for about a day. We decided that it was just too weird talking to each other after such a long time and I wished him well and that was that. This guy wasn't a psycho when we were dating, we were simply young and immature.
Episode #3 - So, I'm in the grocery store yesterday with my kids - who by the way are acting like complete monkeys. We're turning the corner to get milk and butter, when I see this guy. He's tall, kinda muscular and its my other high school ex!!! All I could think was you gotta be kidding me!! I was trying to think of my options, do I quickly turn the other way and try to avoid him, or do I continue to get my butter? I opt to get the butter and make the best of the situation. I walk over and speak to him and we have a pretty light conversation about what we've each been up to and kids, work, etc... We say our goodbyes and that was that.
I don't know what is going on....why are all these guys crossing my path? I don't know. Talking to each one was extremely awkward and slightly uncomfortable, especially episode 1. I'm starting to get afraid to walk out of the house because I'm afraid I'll run into another ex :)
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Private Posting
This posting has been deleted by me. I decided to keep the original posting private and send it directly to the person involved.
~Me
~Me
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Climbing Mt. Everest
So...someone recently told me that they thought that when it comes to relationships, they thought that I was the type of person that liked a challenge. Not someone who just took things as they came to her, handed on a silver platter by a butler with white gloves on. Not me. Now, I'm no longer the girl that seeks the one man that doesn't want her back, but the girl that seeks the man that won't make her the center of his life. The man that has other interests than to sit and look at her all day, the man that has his own friends, his own activities. Now, I am not saying that this man will ignore her(you know...the type that will come in from out of town and won't call for 3 or 4 days) he'll include her in his things, they'll do things together...but they won't do everything together.
I've been in many types of relationships. I've been the ignored partner, I've been the center of someone's life. I'd like to try the middle road. Where is that guy?
I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone and feel like, "if I want to hang out with a friend, this person is either going to want to come, or they're going to feel like I don't want to be with them". I don't want to be made to feel guilty about wanting to spend time by myself. I also don't want to be in a relationship and spend so much time apart, that when we do see each other, we have to re-learn each other!
So, I guess that person was right. I like a challenge. I think relationships are supposed to be challenging, they're difficult. You're supposed to work at it - I think once you don't want to work at it - its over. The person that's right for me is the one that even when the relationship is facing a uphill climb, I'll still want to climb that mountain with them.
Guess I need to invest in some good climbing boots and some rope!
I've been in many types of relationships. I've been the ignored partner, I've been the center of someone's life. I'd like to try the middle road. Where is that guy?
I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone and feel like, "if I want to hang out with a friend, this person is either going to want to come, or they're going to feel like I don't want to be with them". I don't want to be made to feel guilty about wanting to spend time by myself. I also don't want to be in a relationship and spend so much time apart, that when we do see each other, we have to re-learn each other!
So, I guess that person was right. I like a challenge. I think relationships are supposed to be challenging, they're difficult. You're supposed to work at it - I think once you don't want to work at it - its over. The person that's right for me is the one that even when the relationship is facing a uphill climb, I'll still want to climb that mountain with them.
Guess I need to invest in some good climbing boots and some rope!
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