I don't normally

I don't normally make New Year's Resolutions, but I am this coming up year. Not trying to be vulgar, but I'm not taking anybody else's shit this year. I'm absolutely sick of shit...

Any sorry-ass excuses and lame apologies will not be accepted. I'm done and I'm tired of it. I've gotten so many excuses this past year and I just don't want to put up with it anymore. I deserve so much better than that.

So....to all those out there that know they've given me shit this past year; find someone else to listen to it....I'm done!!!

Vintage Me >.<

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!!!!

Random thoughts on a monday night when I should be wrapping gifts

So...here I am. I've gone through this transformation (thank you weight watchers!!!) I've lost over 20lbs...I've got so much energy now, it's ridiculous. I think I look better than ever :)

There are still elements in my life that I'm not 100% satistfied with...money, job, love life...little things :)
Money and job - they kind of go hand in hand...I'm not going there. I refuse to discuss my job in my blog.

Love life - I think the theme song for my love life at this moment is "Another Again". I feel like I'm in this revolving door and no matter where I exit - it winds me up in the same damn place. What is this telling me? Try another building with a door that doesn't revolve? Or...maybe I'm opening the same door for a reason? hmmm.......we'll see. I try not to make hasty decisions about things, but I keep coming up with the same conclusion. It's so complicated though. It's a road that I've been down before and I don't know if I want to travel it again. I think I've even blogged about this before. Just because you have a history with someone doesn't meant that you should necessarily repeat it. It seems like whatever ended what happened before was an issue - what makes a person thinks that issue is completely resolved.

I've been in situations where I tried to tell myself that I was over somethng and I wasn't - I was trying to convince myself that I was okay and I wasn't. That problem was always looming in the back of my mind.

I once dated a guy that cheated on me. He admitted what was done and we tried to fix it and get past what happened, but in the back of my mind, I always wondered if he was doing what he said he was doing; was he where he said he was; was he with who he said he was with. It finally dawned on me one day that everything that I thought was actually true. I finally listened to my intuition and confronted him. In the beginning, he denied it, but eventually he came clean and told me that he was still unfaithful - with person that I thought it was with. I knew at that moment that I wouldn't be able to completely trust him - even as much as I loved him. I had to let him go - I wasn't willing to be the other woman.

I'm not willing to be that now. Going forward into any relationship that I venture into, I'm not willing to be that girl anymore. This being said, if I choose to enter into any type of relationship with someone, there will be some very open and honest discussions that are going to have to happen. I don't to enter into anything and not be 100% happy with what's going on...I have always felt that the the keys to a succesful relationship are trust, honesty and love.


Anyway...on to some lighter, fun stuff!!! My office Christmas party was this past weekend (thank you to my personal stylist). I saw this dress and had to have it...matched it up with the perfect shoes and accessories, but I lost my earrings dancing at the party :(

this is me and flex at the party - between the 2 of us, we've lost close to 60lbs!!

We had so much fun at the party, food was great....we all pitched in and got a hotel room so we didn't have to worry about drinking and driving, so after the party we all headed back to the room with out "borrowed" tray of chocolate covered strawberries and passed out in the room. At first I really wanted a date for the party, but the jerk backed out on me, so me and some of my girlfriends all went solo - we had more fun by ourselves than if we had had dates. I did manage to show off my dress for someone anyway, though ;)

that's it for now....

XOXO,

Vintage Me >.<

A LOT of catching up to do...

Dang.. where do I even begin? My last update was shortly after my birthday....I've been up to so much lately.

Weight Watchers - still going well. I'm down 17lbs (as of today). I've been excercising more and eating good, so it's definately working!! My friend is down 23lbs!!! Go Flex!!!!!!! I've gone from a size 10 to a size 4, almost down to a 2! It's not so much about the size as it is being comfortable with myself and how I look.

Love life - it's in slow motion. Nothing really happening there. I don't have a boyfriend, and it took me a minute to realize that I was seeing something in somebody and they didn't see it in me. It's cool now - we're friends....I've cried and moved on. On another note, not really love life, but I have met a new friend that I can have interesting converstations with. We met on the Saturday before my birthday at a club(how cliche), and we've talked on the phone since. Nothing heavy or even very personal, but we have converations about politics, world issues and even rap music. He seems to be a really nice person, but I'm not expecting anything from anyone just yet. I've also been talking to one of my exes recently. Nothing serious there, we were friends before we dated and drifted apart after we broke up. I've made the mistake of rushing into things with people, and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm keeping all options open and not comitting to anything with anyone, right now.

Personal - My oldest finished his soccer season and he really loved it. My baby is trying to start potty-training(pray for me). I'm working on doing things that I love, whether people want to do them with me or not...I'm ever-changing. I've got the best friends that a person could ask for. Without Susan, my life would seem so boring! We're so much alike its scary. I've become a lot more invloved with Stand for Children, starting to form a Team at a local school here in Memphis. I'm really excited about this organization and the opportunity to actually make a difference in a school in Memphis. Thanks Harry for getting me jumpstarted with this.

Music - Music is such a big part in my life, maybe it's because my name is Melody; I don't know. Anyway...new cd's that I am totally digging:

John Legend(of course!!!!!) his 2nd CD, Once Again dropped on Oct 24th - I've got two so far. This is very different from his 1st CD as well as different from most R&B out there today. A lot of people that I've talked to are not really feeling this CD, and I think it's because this sounds so different from recent music. To me, this sounds like old-school Motown. A lot of the songs have a real nostalgic feel to it. Honestly, it took me a while to get the hang of the music. I have songs that I like and others that I don't. My favorite song on the CD is "Show me"...everytime I listen to it, it makes me think of my grandmother. Some people think this song is about a woman, but its about God, it's a prayer. I like it because its a nightly prayer and his voice sounds like he's tired and it's late. My 2nd favorite is P.D.A, simply because if you listen to the lyrics of the song, it's not your typical "John Legend", I mean he's talking about doing on the fire escape!!!! Oh my!

Robin Thicke - someone at work tried to get me to listen to this, but it was at the time that I ended a "thing" with someone(mentioned previously) and I wasn't in the mood for slow jam-love songs. Once I was able to get my emotions in check and sat down to listen to the CD, this dude has soul. Real soul, not that fake "I'm trying to hang out with black folks kinda soul-to sell my CD", but real SOUL. He goes from sounding like Marvin Gaye to Donny Hathaway to Justin Timberlake. I think that 2007 is going to be the year of Robin Thicke. He's the opening act for John Legend's tour, so that will give him more exposure - I CAN'T wait for them to come to Memphis!!!! My favorite songs on his CD are Teach you a lesson, I need love and 2 the sky.

The long journey of weight loss - UPDATE

Here are my results going into week 4:
Week 1 - weight 160.2
Week 2 - weight 156.6, down 3.6lbs
Week 3 - weight 154.0, down 2.6lbs
Week 4 - weight 153.8, down .02lbs
Week 5 - weight 152.8, down 1.0lbs
Week 6 - weight 150.6, down 2.2lbs
Week 7 - weight 148.2, down 2.4lbs

Total of 12lbs lost!!! I am soo proud of myself. This has been really difficult, but a very good friend of mine is doing this with me, so we have each other to lean on when times get difficult. I've learned to eat the right way; balancing my food portions and cutting waaayyy back on sweets and sodas and yes, liquor(except the bottle of wine on my birthday). I can definitely tell a difference in the way my body looks; with and without clothes. I've dropped in sizes, I'm somewhere between a 6 and a 4 now. I'm working out a lot more now, which is good because my energy level has gone way up. I feel like I've accomplished something big - I set out 7 weeks ago to do this and I haven't quit. Now, I've had my share of bad days...days that I ate food I knew I shouldn't have, or portions that I knew were too much. The thing with that is that when I eat bad food now, my body lets me know it; and it doesn't taste as good as it used to.

I'm sticking with this and I will continue to periodically update my status.

Time for everything

This has been a long summer. This has been a summer of changes, surprises, disappointments, heartache and pain. Not just for me, but for other people in my life. I think that everything happens for a reason, and at the time of certain incidents - you may not know the reason, but later on, the reason may be crystal clear. I've personally become more prayerful(if that's a word). I find myself praying for people that I don't know, people that I do know, people who aren't sick or hurting, and even those that are. I often pray for my family, my children and my friends. I think I'm really lucky...I have the greatest group of friends in the entire world. I've got people that I can call on in the middle of the night and cry to...they don't even have to know what I'm crying about, they just listen. They are always there for me, but at times, I feel really selfish. Sometimes, I feel like i'm not there for my friends like they need me to be. Sometimes, I don't deal with emotions well, and that there are times that my friends need me to be strong for them, and I can't. I care so much about my friends and the situations that they are in - it feels like it affects me, too.

As I approach my birthday weekend, I can't wait to spend it wih my friends. I love my birthday, I love all birthdays, really. I have always loved birthdays beacuse that's your special day, a day that's just yours. This is the day that you came into this world - and everyone should feel like royalty on their birthday.

This being said - Happy Birthday to all of my friends, whether you've already had it this year(Theresa, Jen, Bryon, Mark, Susan, Reggie, Khayree, Harry, Drew, and Tory) and to those who haven't had them this year (Paige and Third).

I love you all!!!

The Official Countdown

Birthday has come and gone....great day....long weekend....thanks to everyone who helped make my day special.

Me

The long journey of weight loss

For a lot of women, weight is a very serious issue. Everyday women all over the world wonder about their weight and how to either lose it or maintain it. I'm one of these women.

I've struggled with weight most of my life. I've either lost it or gained it because of whatever situation was going on. I've gained the most weight recently because I've had two children and I've gone through a bout of depression.

Food, for me, has always been a source of happiness and eventually a sort of obsession. When I was depressed or bored - I turned to food. There were times that I would wake up in the middle of the night and stand in front of the fridge or in the pantry; looking for something to snack on, to take the pain away. It sounds crazy, and it is. I found myself eating constantly. It was spiraling out of control. Before I knew it, I had reached the most I had ever weighed in my entire life. More than when I was pregnant with either of my children. This was ridiculous!!

Let me make a disclaimer. I am in no way a 'big girl'. I don't have to shop in the plus size. I am simply a lot more than I'd like to weigh. I don't like the way that I look. It's not that I think I'm ugly, its just that I don't like the way I look. I'm not happy with how I look in my clothes. Let me make another disclaimer. I do not feel this way because someone has made me feel bad about my weight or that someone told me to lose weight. I'm doing this for myself - no one else.

I've tried diets before. I've tried "eating right, and cutting back on snacks". It never lasted. I would last maybe a week at a time. It got so bad, that I would go on these sort of binges because I had been restricting myself from foods. I never lost any weight on these diets because I was starving myself of the foods that were good for me, and the foods that I loved.

I remember the day that I hit my bottom, so to speak. I was at work and we were having one of our famous lunches honoring a co-worker who had just been given a coworker. We brought in catered lunch from Garibaldi's. It was grilled chicken, pasta with alfredo sauce, salad and cake. I remember standing in line waiting and getting so excited about the lunch. I filled my plate with a modest piece of chicken, pasta and some salad and went to my desk. I started with the pasta - it was fantastic! I don't think I've ever had pasta that good (and I don't like alfredo sauce). I ate it so quickly and found myself headed back for seconds - just for the pasta. When I brought my second plate of pasta back to my desk, I began to eat again. Someone walked by and said, "wow, melody! you always have food on your desk!" I just kept eating. Then it happened. A co-worker said, hey...they just cut the cake! Of course I had to get some cake(didn't want all the chocolate to go first!!) When I sat back down with my prized piece of cake, I took a look at my desk. It was covered in plates of food. My desk looked like there were three people eating instead of just one. I looked like a pig!! I got sick to my stomach. I just want to cry - I couldn't beleive how much food I had. I was ashamed that all of this food belonged to me.

This was it. I had do something about this. This was officially my last straw. Now, I did eat all of that food, but as my last meal. My last glutenous-filled meal. The problem to begin with was that I wasn't really hungry - I was eating because it was there. I called a friend of mine and broke down to her about what happened. I told her that I wanted to make a change and I needed help. She was basically going through the same thing. We talked about it and ended up with the same solution - Weight Watchers.

We both knew people that this had worked for and decided that we'd give it a try and that we would do it together. The following Monday, we took our lunch break and went to the closest weight watchers meeting location. Looking for information - looking for help. When we got there, they were really helpful and friendly. We decided to join and they weighed us, right then!!! The way its setup is that the scales are on one side of the counter - and you can't see them. I was so nervous and then shocked when she told me the number. I was really depressed. We received our booklets and went into the meeting. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was a little "Hello, my name is Melody and I'm addicted to food."

We learned the program and started that day. I write down everything that I eat. Here is how the program works:
- based on your current weight, your alloted so may points per day
- every food has a point valuse assigned to it; from bread to apples to a Big Mac
- keep a food diary of the food that you eat and track your points
- there are weekly "flex points" for those time that you may exceeed your daily points
- once a week, you weigh in and attend the meetings

It's really simple, actually. I can eat whatever I want, everything has a point value. The worst part in all of this is some of the feedback that I received from some people. I've heard everything from "you have to pay for someone to tell you what's common sense?" "if you'd just excercise, you wouldn't need this" "it's not going to work, because weight watchers is a sham" All of these comments really hurt - this was already difficult and this was adding doubt to it. But you know what? I chose to take what everyone was saying as fuel to the fire. This was going to push me even harder - to prove it to myself and to them, too.

Here are my results going into week 4:

Week 1 - weight 160.2
Week 2 - weight 156.6, down 3.6lbs
Week 3 - weight 154.0, down 2.6lbs

I'll keep you posted on how well I'm doing. I have a personal target, that I'm well on my way to reaching!!!!

Summer Cleaning

Some people do a massive spring cleaning of their houses. This is a time that they throw out useless papers, give clothes to places like Goodwill and even move furniture around, so that they kindof give a 'new' look to something they've had for a while.

I guess you could say that I'm doing the same thing. I've begun eating better, excercise and surrounding myself with people that will only make my life better, not worse. I cannot continue to surround myself that have ulterior motives for me and my life. Let me explain, I have friends in my life who have always been there for me, supporting me in my trials and tribulations and being there with me when things are good. There are other people that criticize me and do not support me in my endeavors and haven't really been there for me like a friend should be. If you're reading this and you're my friend, you should know which category you fit it. It's not difficult.

I want to have a happy life and I want the same for the people that I love. We're entering a season of prosperity and growth. We will begin to see things change for the better, because we're going to begin to make things happen for us. Instead of sitting around waiting for things to happen, we're going to be in the midst of stuff creating it for ourselves.

Times, they are a-changing. It's time for me to become more aggressive with my life and the direction that it's going. I need to make choices that are going to benefit me and my children. It's time.

Writer's block cure?

It's monday and I've had writer's block for a while now. I'll start a post and then just go blank right in the middle of it and I can't finish it. I may have too many random thoughts going at once. I'm going to do what my 10th grade teacher had us do to get our thought process back on track. I'm going to attempt to write a blog using stream of consciousness. Now...I will go back and edit some language and names later.

Here goes:
okay my kids still aren't sleep i don' t know why. i hope andrew stays dry tonight he;s got to get out of pull ups at some point, now is a good time. i'm really bored and drinking all this water makes me have to pee alot. what did i do? i've always been there but lately he won't talk to me, but i don't know why. i think its a bunch of bullshit and i don't like cowards if somebody has something to say to me then thay should just say it. i don't like people beating around the bush because i'm worth more than that. i at least deserve the truth instead of being left in the fucking dark. that shit was just rude bottom line. i don't care what i did or didn't do, i never deserved that. this show is stupid but theres nothing on. at least i don't feel like eating thank goodness for those 3 lbs lost can't wait to see how much i lost this week, i've done so much better than i thought i would. my head is starting to hurt and i can't think of anything else. i hope the people upstairs don't start fighting again i can't take hearing that scream again, i don't know what i would do. i'd have to check into a hotel so the boys can sleep. sleep - i think they're asleep. why haven't i been able to sleep lately? i don't know i think its because i cut out my caffeine and its taking time to work out of my system. i feel like i'm in rehab and i'm going through withdrawal - actually from a lot of things. from late night talks and laying in the bed watching tv. i guess at some point i'll get used to it, but i don't want to. its hard having questions and no answers. i don't think i feel like writing anymore.

Forgiveness

It's hard to forgive someone that has hurt you. Someone that has held your heart, your trust in their hands and then crushed it. It has been put into my heart to forgive those that have hurt me. I no longer give you the power that you've had over me emotionally - I forgive you!!!

To the friend that hurt me in the past - I forgive you.
To the boyfriend(s) that abused me - I forgive you.
To the family member that hurt me - I forgive you.
To the ex-husband that hurt me - I forgive you.
To the friend that abandonded me in my time of need - I forgive you.

In order for me to become a better person and to truly move on with my life - I forgive all of these people. Some of them know the pain that they have caused me, some may not know. I still forgive them all.

To those people that I have hurt in my life - please forgive me.

Choices

I am one of the worst people I know at making a decision. I'm always so afraid that I'll make the wrong one, that it takes me forever to decide on something. Now, I'm not just talking about big, life changing decisions, but also small ones as well. I can usually make a pretty good argument for either option in a decision. There are times that I don't make good choices; let me rephrase that - there are times in my life that I don't make smart choices. I don't take enough time to weigh all of the options and I go on my instinct. Sometimes, I'm the only person that is affected and other times, it's a whole slew of people. I can think of some decisions that I've made this year that I really should have thought a little on them before I decided. The problem with some of them is that once I realized that I didn't think things through and that I should done things differently; I was too afraid to reverse the decision. I didn't want to hurt and/or disappoint people. On one occasion, I couldn't live with the guilt any longer and I had to hurt the other person. I never wanted to hurt this person and they didn't deserve that type of pain. To that person, I am very sorry.

I've been trying to take my time on things; choices about my job, relationships and even things I do with my children. I'm learning to be patient, not to rush and wait on things. It's a hard lesson to go through day by day, but I know that I'll be a better person for it.

The Power of Prayer

We live in such an instant gratification world, we're used to getting things immediately. You send an email and someone responds to it instantly - almost if you're talking to the person on the phone. This is not the same with prayer. Asking for something in prayer - does not always give a return instantly.

I have a friend whose mother has been ill and in the hospital. When I first learned of this, I sat up in my bed and began to pray for his mother, for him, and for their family. Everyday since, I have prayed for them. There are times throughout the day - whether at work, or in the car, or in the shower that I have stopped what I was doing and begun to pray. I'm not one of those people that know the scripture like the back of my hand and quote scripture, but my prayer comes from the bottom of my heart. Even throughout this prayer, I still felt helpless, I felt like I should have been doing something - not sure what; but something.

My friend - who I love completely - is an incredibly private person who values his family more than anything. I want to be there for him and his family when they need me - the problem is that so many people have said the same thing to him, and not everyone means it. I have given him his space and allowed him to come to me when he's ready and when he needs me. It's difficult - but you cannot push a person to do something that they're not ready to do. I think it's important for me to not always ask the same question when I do talk to him - the very one that he's being asked everyday, all day - "How's your mother?" "what have you found out?". I've tried to be an escape for him - a place where he can go to get away and not have to answer the same question all the time.

To my friend - I love you and I pray for your mother and for your family, everyday. When you need me, I'm here.

Bumping into...

This has been the weirdest couple of months.

Episode #1 - I recently went to a T.I. concert (appearance is more like it) with a really good friend of mine. While in the line to get in, I'm looking over the banister and I think I see my psycho ex from high school. I'm thinking to myself that it can't be him because he should be in Iraq - but as I get a closer look, it is him!!! I immediately start panicking. When I say this guy is crazy, I mean crazy. He was abusive as well; which is why I started panicking. I haven't seen this guy since 1997 or '98. So, for a split second (actually, 5 hours), I wanted to go home. I couldn't imagine being in the same enclosed space with him for more than 2 seconds. Not that I thought he would do anything to me, I just didn't want to be near him. I spent most of the evening making sure I knew where he was, so that I couldn't be surprised at any point. He never said anything the entire evening, but his prescence was enough to ruin my night.

Episode #2 - I get this Tiger Band Alumni email every so often. Most of the time, I never read them, but this time I did. It was something about a drumline reunion and it had people that they were looking for and one of the emails was my college ex. I have no idea why I did what I did next - I emailed him. I didn't think I'd get a response back, but I did. I asked how he was doing and we exchanged emails talking about kids and families and whatnot. This went on for about a day. We decided that it was just too weird talking to each other after such a long time and I wished him well and that was that. This guy wasn't a psycho when we were dating, we were simply young and immature.

Episode #3 - So, I'm in the grocery store yesterday with my kids - who by the way are acting like complete monkeys. We're turning the corner to get milk and butter, when I see this guy. He's tall, kinda muscular and its my other high school ex!!! All I could think was you gotta be kidding me!! I was trying to think of my options, do I quickly turn the other way and try to avoid him, or do I continue to get my butter? I opt to get the butter and make the best of the situation. I walk over and speak to him and we have a pretty light conversation about what we've each been up to and kids, work, etc... We say our goodbyes and that was that.

I don't know what is going on....why are all these guys crossing my path? I don't know. Talking to each one was extremely awkward and slightly uncomfortable, especially episode 1. I'm starting to get afraid to walk out of the house because I'm afraid I'll run into another ex :)

Private Posting

This posting has been deleted by me. I decided to keep the original posting private and send it directly to the person involved.

~Me

Climbing Mt. Everest

So...someone recently told me that they thought that when it comes to relationships, they thought that I was the type of person that liked a challenge. Not someone who just took things as they came to her, handed on a silver platter by a butler with white gloves on. Not me. Now, I'm no longer the girl that seeks the one man that doesn't want her back, but the girl that seeks the man that won't make her the center of his life. The man that has other interests than to sit and look at her all day, the man that has his own friends, his own activities. Now, I am not saying that this man will ignore her(you know...the type that will come in from out of town and won't call for 3 or 4 days) he'll include her in his things, they'll do things together...but they won't do everything together.

I've been in many types of relationships. I've been the ignored partner, I've been the center of someone's life. I'd like to try the middle road. Where is that guy?

I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone and feel like, "if I want to hang out with a friend, this person is either going to want to come, or they're going to feel like I don't want to be with them". I don't want to be made to feel guilty about wanting to spend time by myself. I also don't want to be in a relationship and spend so much time apart, that when we do see each other, we have to re-learn each other!

So, I guess that person was right. I like a challenge. I think relationships are supposed to be challenging, they're difficult. You're supposed to work at it - I think once you don't want to work at it - its over. The person that's right for me is the one that even when the relationship is facing a uphill climb, I'll still want to climb that mountain with them.

Guess I need to invest in some good climbing boots and some rope!

Conquering Fears

Everyone has a fear. Some people fear spiders, or heights, or as someone mentioned to me the other day; fear of falling - not heights. There are countless websites devoted to phobias. I've gotten to a point that I'm tired of dealing with some of my fears. I feel the need to conquer them. Some are common fears - like heights, and others are not so common - like clowns. There are others that are a little more complex - like fearing being comfortable with someone, or fearing that something may actually work out.

Clowns - this is how it happened. A long time ago, my grandmother gave me and my sister these ceramic clowns that played music. We couldn't really play with them, so they made their way to shelves where they were kept. Then it happened...In the middle of the night, these clowns - which hadn't been touched in months - begin to play music, as though they had been wound up. To a child, this was really traumatic. This also happened to be around the time that Poltergeist came out. So we were convinced that there were ghosts in our room. We tried really hard to ignore it, but every so often, these clowns would just start up on their own. After a while of this, we couldn't take it anymore - they were as good as gone! Even though the clowns were gone, the fear didn't leave with them. Everytime I see a clown, I am almost reduced to tears, and my first instinct is to run.

Having children makes this fear a little more difficult to manage. They've been invited to birthday parties that were with a clown theme, they've never been to the circus - all because of me. I've got to work through this. Not really sure how yet, but I'll work on it.

I also have this fear that things won't work - like relationships. I've always waited for things to go bad, for things not to work out. I'm not really sure why I'm like that. Maybe its because I didn't really see relationships working out as a child; hell, my dad's been married 5 times! Going forward, I want to work on a relationship. I want it to work, I don't want to look for the problems in the relationship, but at the same time, I don't want to overlook problems. I cannot constantly wait for the other shoe to drop, for him to turn into the jackass that I knew he always was. I want to know that I have a good man, one that loves me and is there for me, one that is confidant in himself, and trusts that I trust and support him.

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."

In my mind

They say if you love something

You’ve got to let it go

And if it comes back

Then it means so much more

But if it never does

At least you will know

That it was something you had to go through

To grow

I love this song by Heather Headley, 'In my mind'. This is a song that you just can't help but to sing along to. Today as I was singing along with Heather, I really listened to the words in the song...and these lyrics really stuck out to me. This could relate to a person who just went through a breakup or someone who went through one years ago. Sometimes it can be hard to let go...and there are times when you're not sure just when to let go.

When do you let go to see if they come back?

What if they don't?

Even though you may have let go, physically, you may not have let go emotionally. A person may have let go physically, but not 'in their mind'.

Only time will tell if I'll be his lady

But in my mind, I'll always be his girl

Happiness

Everbody always says, "you deserve to be happy". But do they really mean it? Is it only okay somebody to be happy only as long as it makes the general population happy as well. There are times in our lives that we have to make difficult decisons. When a person seeks advice, you always hear, "you have to do what is going to make you happy, you can't please everyone". But sometimes thats exactly what people want you to do. They want to be pleased, they want you to make the decisions that they want you to make and when you don't...watch out.

I want to be happy. I've made a decision very recently that was not a popular one. I've hurt people with the decision that I've made - to those people, I really am sorry. If I could make everyone happy, I would.

Rebirth of Melody

Is it ironic that it took 9 months for my divorce to come? This entire process has been a rebirth for me. I've been struggling to find myself for so long...it's taken a long time for me to get to where I'm at today. In the process, some people have been unintentionally hurt, for any pain that I've caused anyone; please know that I didn't mean it. I've come to know myself and know what I desire, what I don't like in life and in love. I know that I am a beautiful woman, with so much to offer someone. I was on a plane to New York looking through one of those Sky Mall magazine, it had a sign that said "Ancora Imparo" which means "I am still learning". Even though I've come to know myself, I'm still learning.

I'm happier right now than I've ever been. I may not have much, but it could be tons worse. I have two beautiful boys who I love more than life, I've got my crazy family, I've got crazy friends, and I've got a real man that loves me for me.

LIFE IS GOOD AND IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET BETTER

New York, New York

Well, I've made it to New York. I arrived last night and went to Benihana's with B. I had so much fun. Today, we're heading into the city to do some site-seeing. I'll post later.

~me

Let's compare...

A while ago, I posted a topic called, "What about the next dude?" Someone fantastic has come into my life, so I thought I would compare him to the list that I wrote about 4 months ago. At the time I wrote that, I was in no shape to be in any type of relationship. It would have been a rebound relationship that was out of a matter of convenience. I needed some time to heal from my marriage, and time to find myself.

That being said...let's compare. The blue text indicates that this new person, fits that description.

what defines a good man?
Here is my list of qualifications (in no particular order):
- Single
- Faithful
- Loyal
- Literate(reads for sheer enjoyment, for educating purposes, reads to children)
- Sound(mentally)
- Intelligent but not arrogant
- Considerate
- Strong (emotionally, spiritually, mentally)
- Fun
- Honest with his feelings, thoughts and desires
- Responsible
- Emotionally available
- Eager to learn new things and new ways to do old things
- Rich in spiritual beliefs
- Employed
- Confidant
- Sensitive and gentle, but not a pushover
- Articulate

So what does this mean? I've found what I was looking for? Maybe...we'll see. I want to take my time with this, but at the same time, I do believe in fate. I believe certain people are supposed to be in your life at certain times, and if you push it, it won't work. If I had met this person 5 years ago, there is no way that we would have worked out. I was still at a point in my life where my only concern was myself, I wasn't able to be in an adult relationship. I'm a totally different person than I was 5 years ago or even 5 months ago. I'm emotionally stronger than I've ever been and I'm really ready to be in an adult relationship. I'm ready to be there for him and allow him into my life, I'm ready to stand by his side.

Everyone deserves someone who makes them happy. I've found that in him, and hopefully I'm making him happy as well.

My Angel

If I could I'd give you the world

I'd wrap it up around you

Won't be satisfied with just a piece of this heart

My angel, oh angel

You're my angel, oh angel

Dreams are dreams - Some dreams come true

I found a real dream baby when I found you

You're so strong

But tender too

You're my angel, oh angel

(Anita Baker - "Angel")

Moving on

It’s finally time to move on. Time to start a new chapter in my life. Life is full of ironies, as my 90 days waiting period for a divorce were coming to a close, someone who I’ve known for a long time, made their way into my life. I’ve been fortunate throughout my divorce to have surrounded myself with people that supported me and helped to keep me sane. I know that if these people weren’t there, I would probably be in the crazy house. I don’t know how I would have survived these months without having certain people there to keep me busy, making me laugh and just taking my mind off of the situation. In this time period, I’ve made new friends, strengthened the relationship in others and even lost some. I’ve become a stronger person…thanks to these wonderful people I’ve had in my life.

As far as the person that has come into my life, I’ve known him for a really long time, but always as a friend of someone else’s. It wasn’t until recently that a spark ignited. I’m not proclaiming love, or any emotion, but I have enjoyed spending time with this person. Have you ever known someone, but not really known them? It’s that type of situation with this person. It’s been fun getting to know someone who lets you be yourself and doesn’t try to change you. I can only hope that we’ll continue to get to know one another and spend time together. For the person that I’m talking about, if you’re reading this, don’t forget my shot glass and have a safe trip.

My Trifling Granddaddy

Let me begin this story by saying that I love my family and I love my grandfather. This being said, my granddaddy has got to be the dumbest mofo alive. My granddaddy has always kept us on our toes, whether it was leaving my grandmother while she was sick with cancer, or trying to bring his crack head girlfriend to her funeral. You just never knew what to expect from him. It was always better to expect the unexpected. While my granddaddy has always done just what he pleases, he’s always had health problems to kick it just when it was time for him to slow down whatever dirt he was doing. He’s had seizures for as long as I’ve known and has taken medication to keep the seizures at a minimum. So, with the seizures, he has diabetes, high blood pressure and probably a long list of ailments that we don’t even know about. So, know that this insight to his history, I can begin this recent episode that I’ll call, “My Trifling Granddaddy”.

My sister comes to Memphis to visit for the 1st time in a year. We’re hanging out and enjoying ourselves when my aunt, who is a slightly hysterical, calls and says that Granddaddy was rushed to the hospital. There’s something going on with this medication and he’s been hospitalized. So, we stop what we’re doing and go to the hospital to check on him to calm my aunt’s nerves. When we get to the hospital, he’s resting peacefully. We wake him and let him know that we’re just checking on him and that we were going to keep him company for a while. He sits up and is his normal joking self and manages to tell me that I’m fat and that he feels like “duck mess”. Anyway, back to him. While we’re sitting there talking to him, the doctor comes in to talk to him. This is when it gets interesting.

Once the doctor comes in and asks him what’s going on and why there was more Dilantin than normal in his system, he gets incoherent. He’s not making sense; he’s telling stories to the doctor that have NOTHING to do with why he’s in the hospital now. We come to find out that he has taken way more Dilantin than he should, but has also, NOT taken his diabetes medicine or his high blood pressure medicine. We won’t find out why until later.

Once the doctor leaves, me and my sister leave as well. We’re in the car talking and both feel like he wasn’t telling the truth about anything, like there was something else going on, but he didn’t want to say in front of us. We left it alone and just enjoyed the remainder of our weekend (‘larly).

The following Monday, my mom calls both me and my sister and says that she wants to tell us about our granddaddy and what really happened. This is what really happened to him and why he ended up in the hospital:

He lives on a farm with his wife. Wifey is gone to visit her children for whatever reason. He didn’t want to go, so she left him alone at the farm. At some other point, the local crack heads begin to ‘spend time’ out at the farm with my granddaddy. From what I heard, they (the local crack heads) were smoking crack in his house as well as other ‘tasks’ for him. He said they were getting naked and dancing, yeah right! I also could have sworn my mom said that he said that they even brought one to him just to perform oral sex on him! So, this leads back to his medication and why there was more in his system than normal. He knew that seizures were more likely to happen as he became more excited. So he decided to take twice the dosage of medication in order to prevent the seizures from happening while he became excited. That’s right…he was overdosing on Dilantin because he wanted to have sex with crack heads while his wife was out of town!

Maybe by luck (for now) he has managed to keep his wife from coming back, I only suppose so he can figure out a way to cover all of his lies.

Oh, by the way, in the time that he was in the hospital, the crack heads managed to steal his alcohol and replace it with water!

This kind of shit would only happen to my trifling granddaddy. Now we’re just waiting on Wifey to get home and whoop his ass!

I'm on the list

This past weekend I went to Cashville...sorry, had a Young Buck moment...Nashville to celebrate my sister's birthday. She turned 30-something. Anyway, a friend of mine plays sax in different bands in Nashville and happened to be playing Saturday night for an event called, Art 'N Soul at an Art Gallery in Madison, TN(right outside of Nashville). So, my friend is allotted one extra ticket for the show so he invites me to come. My sister and her fiance decided to come and celebrate her birthday at this art showcase. We're on our way there, and her fiance is driving and talking on the phone(loudly) when we pass the Art Gallery. So, once we turn around and park, we head inside. My sister's fiance pays for them to get in and my friend is on the stage saying, "just tell them you're on the list!"

"I'm on a list!" Seriously? I've never been on a list before. At first I felt important, but then I felt that the person I knew was important. How cool is that? To be able to put people on a list? You may think I'm corny(okay...I am), but I felt like I had an insight to what my friends' career is going to be like. I can totally see him in an actual venue handing out VIP/backstage passes to people. I told him that I wanted one that says, "Don't even ask me for my ticket! I'm with the band".

He is the type of person that draws people to him. He always managed to be the center of attention, whether he's supposed to be or not. This fool is in the middle of playing on stage when he hops off the stage and starts playing while he's walking through the crowd!

Since it's my sister's birthday, he gets the band leader, Don Adams, to sing her Happy Birthday. She turns bright red! Then, just when she hopes he stops, he goes into the 2nd verse of the song, "I hope you get some tonight!" Her fiance is pointing to her saying, "I got this, dawg!!" The look on my sister's face is absolutely priceless.

In all, we had a great time. We saw some really cool artwork, listened to some really good music and laughed all night. I hope my sister had a great time.

Here are some pictures from that night:

The DIVAS before the event


The soon-to-be Mr& Mrs


My best friend that tore it up; he's a damn fool, though


The painting that the artist did throughout the night

**Disclaimer: To those that know me; the following is not about anyone in particular**

Ready for Love

I am ready for love

Why are you hiding from me?

I'd quickly give my freedom

To be held in your captivity

I've been on this journey of self-discovery for a while now. My life has been turned completely upside down and slowly being put back together. I had been very hesitant to date or even allowing myself to be available to someone else. I am still "technically" married, but as of today, there are 54 days until it's official and the divorce is final. One of my fears is that I'll be alone. I do not however want to rush into another relationship, but I would like to start dating. I think I'm ready to venture out into that world.

What's odd is that I've never really "dated". I've always met someone and then, magically we're together. I'd like for things to be totally different than what I've been used to. I want a guy to call me up and ask to take me to a dinner, a movie, hell...a walk in the park. I want to be courted (as my grandmother would say). There are guys that I am interested in, but for once I'd like for someone to show more interest in me than sexually(although that is flattering).

There is so much more to me than most of the men in my past have ever gotten to know. I'm ready for someone to want to get to know "me".

I am ready for love

If you'll take me in your hands

I will learn what you teach

And do the best that I can

Happy New Year!

Well....2005 is officially a wrap!! It was a year full of change, pain, and growth. Me and some friends spent New Years Eve on Beale St. It was a tad bit chilly, but definitely worth it. We were in the midst of the crowd as the countdown began, and as cheesy as it sounds, I almost couldn't stand the anticipation of the new year. I actually felt like crying when the new year hit and the fireworks went off.

A lot of people choose the new year to make new starts in their lives; lose weight, new careers, etc. I guess its a good starting point for reinventing. I guess I'm wanting to reinvent myself as well, but mine is more internal than external (I wouldn't mind losing 10lbs, but...anyway). I feel like I've already started some of my changes, I've been working on a sort of "cleaning out my closet", dealing with some skeletons in there.

I intend to be happy this year and surround myself who can only contribute to that happiness. I'm tired of wallowing in other people's problems/issues. I'm not saying that I'm not going to be supportive of my friends and family with their problems, but I'm not going to take them on. There were a lot of times that I would stop what I doing in order to take on someone else's issue. I'm going to work really hard at saying what I feel and not worry how someone else is going to take it. I also refuse to be walked on anymore by people. There are only two people in this world that my life revolves around; my children.

It's time for me to regain control of my destiny...here's to 2006!