Cue the fight song!!!

Exodus 15:2

The LORD is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Jesus, Be A Fence

Chorus:
Jesus be a fence all around me everyday
Jesus I want you to protect me as I travel along the way
I know you can(yes Lord)
I know you will (yes Lord)
Fight my battle(yes Lord)
If I just keep still (yes lord)
Lord be a fence all around me everyday

Repeat Chorus

Verse:
This is my prayer Lord that I pray each and every day
That you would guide my footsteps lest I stumble and stray
Lord, I need you to direct me all the way long
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday
Come help me say, Jesus...

Repeat Chorus

Verse:
Sometimes the way get so rough y'all
and the nights are so long
In my hour of weakness, that old enemy tries to steal my soul
But when he comes like a flood to surround me
My God will step in and a standard he'll raise
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday
Ohhh Jesus

Repeat Chorus

Jesus be a fence ( Jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (Jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
As I come and go (Jesus be a Fence)
Be a fence right now (Jesus be a fence)
Say (jesus be a fence

Cause I need Protection (protection)
Protection (protection)
Protection (protection)
Along the way ( along the way)
protection (protection
Protection(protection)
Protection (protection
Along the way (along the way)
Along the Way (along the way)
Along the Way (along the way)
Along the way (along the way)
Along the way (along the way)
Protection(protection)
Strong tower(strong tower)
Protection(protection)
Along the way (along the way)
Be a fence (Jesus be a fence)
Be

EXTRA EXTRA

THREE NEW POSTS!!!! UNHEARD OF, BUT TRUE...KEEP READING AND ENJOY

Vintage Me >.<

Changing Seasons

Most typical seasons last 3 months, right? Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter - all three months long. Sometimes there can seem to be an overlap of seasons. It's officially fall, but it still feels like summer, you get the gist.

Life has seasons as well and just like the weather seasons, they can overlap. You could be transitioning from one season to the next and it still feel like the same old season. The difference with the seasons of life and the seasons of weather is that with weather, there is an actual date when the seasons change. Not so with life. Seasons can change at the drop of a hat or it can take months to change a season. Sometimes seasons can change without your permission.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a season change. It is not anything that I necessarily started, I think it was started for me. Am I okay with it? I don't really know. Part of me is not, but the other part is wanting the leaves to just turn colors and daylight to change, and wanting it to happen quickly. The other part of me is liking the fact that it is changing, but that it also feels like summer still. Like my pastor says, "you'll catch that one on the way home."

Vintage Me >.<

By the way...I'm in love with your boyfriend

I don't have a boyfriend. I have a problem with that term anyway - I'm 30, why do I need a "boy"friend? Man sounds so territorial...anyway, I'm digressing from this story.

So...there is this guy. We are not dating. We are some sort of friends(that is a whole 'nother post). We have been "something" for a while. Not everyone knows this, nor do most people care. I can only think of two people that may care, and their opinions mean nothing to me. There are a few people who know some details of what is/was going on.

Let's back up a second. A disclaimer to the rest of the story:
He is a very charismatic person, one who is full of personality, sensitivity and at times a listening ear like a good girlfriend and a bottle of wine.
This is very dangerous. You'll see why in a minute.

Back to the story. So I have a friend, who I met through this guy. I didn't get a good feeling from her in the beginning, but we have developed a friendship. I've struggled lately because something felt wrong recently. I didn't know what it was until she uttered these words, "girl...I'm in love with your boyfriend". Like I said earlier, I don't have a boyfriend, so immediately, I didn't know who she was referring to. I told her this, and then she explained. She was talking about that guy. That guy who she knew how I felt about, that guy that she knew what I had been going through...that guy. She was talking about that guy.

It was very surreal to stand face to face with someone and they tell you something like that. They love the person that you love. Hmmmmm...really? I asked her, "really?" She said, "yes." It wasn't a, "I think so" or an "I guess" it was a "yes". All I could do was sit there and take it all in. What was I supposed to do with this information? Was I supposed to get mad at the girl? Was I supposed to be mad at myself for sharing information with her? Information that might have fueled her secret love toward him? Was I supposed to run and tell him not to be friends with her or to watch his back?

No.

I sat and listened to her. Why? Like I said earlier, I don't have a boyfriend. I don't own anybody. Now if I were married to this guy, it would have been a totally different conversation. But that day, I just listened. I wanted her to be able to get her feelings out. It seemed as though she had been wanting to tell me that for some time. Then she asked me, "are you mad at me?" I sat for a second and thought about it. I wasn't mad. I really wasn't. It was actually funny to me. Of course she loved him, why not? Doesn't she have a right to love whoever she wants? He's not committed to anyone (that I know of).

I finally told her that I wasn't mad at her. I'm not sure she believed me. I told her that it was understandable considering the type of person that he is(read that disclaimer again). I also told her that we probably weren't the only two people that felt that way about him. That made her laugh, but I didn't mean it as a joke. We're not. I know it.

Anyway, I also told her that I was fine with however she felt, but that I wouldn't share anymore private information with her concerning him because she said it made her feel uncomfortable. And then I told her what I felt was the most important statement of the whole conversation, "I'm not threatened by you." Now I didn't mean this as harsh as it comes across in this blog, but I'm not. It's not that I think I'm prettier than her or that she doesn't have anything to offer. I'm just not threatened by her(or anyone else). I may not end up with this guy, but I know that it was not because I'm not a good woman - it would be because he didn't see/appreciate how good of a woman I am.

So...are we still friends? Sure, why not? What's love got to do with it?

Vintage Me >.<

I need you now

Not a second
Or another minute
Not an hour or another day
but at this moment with my arms out stretched
I need you to make a way
As you have done so many times before
Through window or an open door
I stretch my hands to thee
Come rescue me
I need you right away

Remember the guy in the previous post? The guy that is sometimes my friend, but we're not dating? That guy? This is such a sensitive subject because I'm so torn with how I feel for him.

Do I love him? Without a doubt.
Do I care for him? Without a doubt.
Am I there for him? Without a doubt.

Now...let's flip those questions and you'll begin to see my confusion.

Does he love me? I have no idea.
Does he care for me? I think so.
Is he there for me? No.

WTF? right...why would I continue to sit and wait for someone who is not there for me? Why isn't he there for me anymore? I honestly don't know. Is it because I depend on him too much, maybe. But I have a feeling deep inside that him not being there for me doesn't have anything to do with me. I feel like he struggles with giving his attention to more than one thing at a time. If there are more things going on is his life - he can't be everywhere at one time. Whichever seems most needy at the time, wins. It's as simple as that.

When I was going through my separation and my divorce - I was the most needy at the time so I got a lot of his attention. Once I became stable, I didn't need his support as much. What he didn't/doesn't realize is that I'm not looking for his support anymore. Yes, in the past he made those days and nights easier for me -- that's not what I'm looking for now. Maybe he realizes that he doesn't want to offer that to me, but doesn't know how to say it to me. I don't know.

This whole thing is not about a relationship. It's not about being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. I've said this before, and I'll say it again...it's about being a friend and being good to someone. People deserve respect. I deserve way more than I'm getting now. Just from a friend standpoint.

Now I know that things over the last year have not been easy for him. I know that. I don't know everything that he's been through. Nor do I want to know. I know that's he's changed and I know that he's changing. I feel that I've been shutout. Today at church, pastor said that when you shut people out of your life it's because you feel helpless. I think he was absolutely right about that. Some people would argue that there are times that you only need God, and that is true, but to shut people out and not even say why, is a feeling of helpless. There are times when people need to verbalize, I just want to be left alone or I need some time to myself instead of just turning off the phone for weeks at a time and not responding to people.

There is a difference in needing some alone time and being flat out rude to people.

So what happens from this point on? Who knows? Will I mention this to him or will I allow my blog to speak for itself considering I know that he reads it? I'll mention it to him because I don't want to hide behind my blog and there is a lot more to say than to write.

Vintage Me >.<

Trusting God

It's hard to admit that at times it is difficult to trust God. We often times hear exactly what God is saying to us, but when its not necessarily the answer we were expecting, we ask, "Are you sure? Could you repeat that?" Hoping that the answer will come across differently.

In my journey to get closer to God and have a more open and honest relationship with God (and with myself), I've learned that in prayer, you have to be specific. I know that I shouldn't ask God for things without being able to sustain them. I wouldn't ask God for a BMW without asking for the means to maintain that car.

I'm in the mode of waiting in prayer. I know God is about to do some awesome things in my life. I know it, because He told me. He also told me to wait in prayer. I'm not sure of exactly what God is about to do, but I will continue to pray for guidance and wisdom while I wait.

A very good friend of mine sent me this in a text message this morning, "Phil 2:13 - We have prayed, now it is time to trust God." If my faith was not at the place that it is today, I would have tried to make things happen for myself; not relying on Gods word and what He told me to do. There have been so many times in my life that I have simply acted on what I thought was best for me, without even so much as consulting the one that created me. I was ungrateful for what I had, coveted what others had and never once told God THANK YOU!!! Now I find myself at times only being able to tell him thank you - I have no other words to say but thank you God!

Thank you God for continuing to do so much in my life!

Vintage Me >.<