Cue the fight song!!!

Exodus 15:2

The LORD is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Jesus, Be A Fence

Chorus:
Jesus be a fence all around me everyday
Jesus I want you to protect me as I travel along the way
I know you can(yes Lord)
I know you will (yes Lord)
Fight my battle(yes Lord)
If I just keep still (yes lord)
Lord be a fence all around me everyday

Repeat Chorus

Verse:
This is my prayer Lord that I pray each and every day
That you would guide my footsteps lest I stumble and stray
Lord, I need you to direct me all the way long
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday
Come help me say, Jesus...

Repeat Chorus

Verse:
Sometimes the way get so rough y'all
and the nights are so long
In my hour of weakness, that old enemy tries to steal my soul
But when he comes like a flood to surround me
My God will step in and a standard he'll raise
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday
Ohhh Jesus

Repeat Chorus

Jesus be a fence ( Jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (Jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
As I come and go (Jesus be a Fence)
Be a fence right now (Jesus be a fence)
Say (jesus be a fence

Cause I need Protection (protection)
Protection (protection)
Protection (protection)
Along the way ( along the way)
protection (protection
Protection(protection)
Protection (protection
Along the way (along the way)
Along the Way (along the way)
Along the Way (along the way)
Along the way (along the way)
Along the way (along the way)
Protection(protection)
Strong tower(strong tower)
Protection(protection)
Along the way (along the way)
Be a fence (Jesus be a fence)
Be

EXTRA EXTRA

THREE NEW POSTS!!!! UNHEARD OF, BUT TRUE...KEEP READING AND ENJOY

Vintage Me >.<

Changing Seasons

Most typical seasons last 3 months, right? Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter - all three months long. Sometimes there can seem to be an overlap of seasons. It's officially fall, but it still feels like summer, you get the gist.

Life has seasons as well and just like the weather seasons, they can overlap. You could be transitioning from one season to the next and it still feel like the same old season. The difference with the seasons of life and the seasons of weather is that with weather, there is an actual date when the seasons change. Not so with life. Seasons can change at the drop of a hat or it can take months to change a season. Sometimes seasons can change without your permission.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a season change. It is not anything that I necessarily started, I think it was started for me. Am I okay with it? I don't really know. Part of me is not, but the other part is wanting the leaves to just turn colors and daylight to change, and wanting it to happen quickly. The other part of me is liking the fact that it is changing, but that it also feels like summer still. Like my pastor says, "you'll catch that one on the way home."

Vintage Me >.<

By the way...I'm in love with your boyfriend

I don't have a boyfriend. I have a problem with that term anyway - I'm 30, why do I need a "boy"friend? Man sounds so territorial...anyway, I'm digressing from this story.

So...there is this guy. We are not dating. We are some sort of friends(that is a whole 'nother post). We have been "something" for a while. Not everyone knows this, nor do most people care. I can only think of two people that may care, and their opinions mean nothing to me. There are a few people who know some details of what is/was going on.

Let's back up a second. A disclaimer to the rest of the story:
He is a very charismatic person, one who is full of personality, sensitivity and at times a listening ear like a good girlfriend and a bottle of wine.
This is very dangerous. You'll see why in a minute.

Back to the story. So I have a friend, who I met through this guy. I didn't get a good feeling from her in the beginning, but we have developed a friendship. I've struggled lately because something felt wrong recently. I didn't know what it was until she uttered these words, "girl...I'm in love with your boyfriend". Like I said earlier, I don't have a boyfriend, so immediately, I didn't know who she was referring to. I told her this, and then she explained. She was talking about that guy. That guy who she knew how I felt about, that guy that she knew what I had been going through...that guy. She was talking about that guy.

It was very surreal to stand face to face with someone and they tell you something like that. They love the person that you love. Hmmmmm...really? I asked her, "really?" She said, "yes." It wasn't a, "I think so" or an "I guess" it was a "yes". All I could do was sit there and take it all in. What was I supposed to do with this information? Was I supposed to get mad at the girl? Was I supposed to be mad at myself for sharing information with her? Information that might have fueled her secret love toward him? Was I supposed to run and tell him not to be friends with her or to watch his back?

No.

I sat and listened to her. Why? Like I said earlier, I don't have a boyfriend. I don't own anybody. Now if I were married to this guy, it would have been a totally different conversation. But that day, I just listened. I wanted her to be able to get her feelings out. It seemed as though she had been wanting to tell me that for some time. Then she asked me, "are you mad at me?" I sat for a second and thought about it. I wasn't mad. I really wasn't. It was actually funny to me. Of course she loved him, why not? Doesn't she have a right to love whoever she wants? He's not committed to anyone (that I know of).

I finally told her that I wasn't mad at her. I'm not sure she believed me. I told her that it was understandable considering the type of person that he is(read that disclaimer again). I also told her that we probably weren't the only two people that felt that way about him. That made her laugh, but I didn't mean it as a joke. We're not. I know it.

Anyway, I also told her that I was fine with however she felt, but that I wouldn't share anymore private information with her concerning him because she said it made her feel uncomfortable. And then I told her what I felt was the most important statement of the whole conversation, "I'm not threatened by you." Now I didn't mean this as harsh as it comes across in this blog, but I'm not. It's not that I think I'm prettier than her or that she doesn't have anything to offer. I'm just not threatened by her(or anyone else). I may not end up with this guy, but I know that it was not because I'm not a good woman - it would be because he didn't see/appreciate how good of a woman I am.

So...are we still friends? Sure, why not? What's love got to do with it?

Vintage Me >.<

I need you now

Not a second
Or another minute
Not an hour or another day
but at this moment with my arms out stretched
I need you to make a way
As you have done so many times before
Through window or an open door
I stretch my hands to thee
Come rescue me
I need you right away

Remember the guy in the previous post? The guy that is sometimes my friend, but we're not dating? That guy? This is such a sensitive subject because I'm so torn with how I feel for him.

Do I love him? Without a doubt.
Do I care for him? Without a doubt.
Am I there for him? Without a doubt.

Now...let's flip those questions and you'll begin to see my confusion.

Does he love me? I have no idea.
Does he care for me? I think so.
Is he there for me? No.

WTF? right...why would I continue to sit and wait for someone who is not there for me? Why isn't he there for me anymore? I honestly don't know. Is it because I depend on him too much, maybe. But I have a feeling deep inside that him not being there for me doesn't have anything to do with me. I feel like he struggles with giving his attention to more than one thing at a time. If there are more things going on is his life - he can't be everywhere at one time. Whichever seems most needy at the time, wins. It's as simple as that.

When I was going through my separation and my divorce - I was the most needy at the time so I got a lot of his attention. Once I became stable, I didn't need his support as much. What he didn't/doesn't realize is that I'm not looking for his support anymore. Yes, in the past he made those days and nights easier for me -- that's not what I'm looking for now. Maybe he realizes that he doesn't want to offer that to me, but doesn't know how to say it to me. I don't know.

This whole thing is not about a relationship. It's not about being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. I've said this before, and I'll say it again...it's about being a friend and being good to someone. People deserve respect. I deserve way more than I'm getting now. Just from a friend standpoint.

Now I know that things over the last year have not been easy for him. I know that. I don't know everything that he's been through. Nor do I want to know. I know that's he's changed and I know that he's changing. I feel that I've been shutout. Today at church, pastor said that when you shut people out of your life it's because you feel helpless. I think he was absolutely right about that. Some people would argue that there are times that you only need God, and that is true, but to shut people out and not even say why, is a feeling of helpless. There are times when people need to verbalize, I just want to be left alone or I need some time to myself instead of just turning off the phone for weeks at a time and not responding to people.

There is a difference in needing some alone time and being flat out rude to people.

So what happens from this point on? Who knows? Will I mention this to him or will I allow my blog to speak for itself considering I know that he reads it? I'll mention it to him because I don't want to hide behind my blog and there is a lot more to say than to write.

Vintage Me >.<

Trusting God

It's hard to admit that at times it is difficult to trust God. We often times hear exactly what God is saying to us, but when its not necessarily the answer we were expecting, we ask, "Are you sure? Could you repeat that?" Hoping that the answer will come across differently.

In my journey to get closer to God and have a more open and honest relationship with God (and with myself), I've learned that in prayer, you have to be specific. I know that I shouldn't ask God for things without being able to sustain them. I wouldn't ask God for a BMW without asking for the means to maintain that car.

I'm in the mode of waiting in prayer. I know God is about to do some awesome things in my life. I know it, because He told me. He also told me to wait in prayer. I'm not sure of exactly what God is about to do, but I will continue to pray for guidance and wisdom while I wait.

A very good friend of mine sent me this in a text message this morning, "Phil 2:13 - We have prayed, now it is time to trust God." If my faith was not at the place that it is today, I would have tried to make things happen for myself; not relying on Gods word and what He told me to do. There have been so many times in my life that I have simply acted on what I thought was best for me, without even so much as consulting the one that created me. I was ungrateful for what I had, coveted what others had and never once told God THANK YOU!!! Now I find myself at times only being able to tell him thank you - I have no other words to say but thank you God!

Thank you God for continuing to do so much in my life!

Vintage Me >.<

Why I'm getting on the bus....

I'm going to Jena, La.

I will admit that when I first found out that a friend of mine was going, I didn't want to go. I had heard bits and pieces of what was going on in Jena, and like most people I know, I was too invloved in my own life to take the time to read and research. I told my friend that I would support the trip financially, but that I wouldn't actually go. My decision to not go was part ignorance and part fear. I was afraid of what may happen in Jena and then I hadn't taken the time to find out what was going on in Jena, La.

I finally took the time to read the stories of what happened in Jena. I read for two days....every article, every website, every petition...but I still was afraid to go. Right when I made the decision that I still wasn't going to go, the thought of two little black boys I knew ran through my mind. The thought that this could happen to my children, my young black men, my babies....I knew I had to go.

As a mother to two future black men, it is my responsibility to help speak up for all of the other mothers of future black men. I can't even imagine what the mothers of each of those young men must be going through. If this was one of my children, I would want people to care, too.

That's why I'm going. That's why I'm getting on the bus. That's why I'm speaking up. That's why I'm doing something.

Free the Jena 6....stop racism now.....DO SOMETHING.......WAKE UP!!!!!

Vintage Me >.< (black fist in the air)

Why I write...

I write because it is a passion of mine. Sometimes, I feel as though I can express myself better through writing than talking. Sometimes its to get things off my mind. Sometimes its just to vent my feelings about random things to no one in particular.

Writing however puts things in stone - sort of. It also allows me to look back at how I felt at a particular time. I like to look back at my blog to see what I was thinking. Only I truly know what a particular blog topic was inspired by. Some people think they know, but they are wrong 50 percent of the time.

Sometimes I look back and think...'what the hell was wrong with me?'

I think blogging has been very refreshing and very cleansing. There are times that I debate posting what I may have written, but in the end....my blog is just like me - what you see is what you get.

I was about to say that I don't write for anyone, that I write just for me. That's not exactly true. There are times that I write only for me - those don't get posted.

I hope everyone who reads my blog enjoy it. I also hope that they don't think I'm crazy :)

Vintage Me >.<

Tears of joy!

So my son started kindergarten the other day. Yes, I cried. It was tears of joy - not separation anxiety; well maybe a little separation anxiety. I didn't have the urge to stay with him in the classroom, I was just so happy that he walked into kindergarten, introduced himself and sat down and started coloring. It was relieving to know that he was genuinely excited to be in the "Big School". He loved his uniform, his backpack, his school supplies and even eating lunch in the cafeteria.

So what I cried? I'm proud that I cried. I know that I've started him on the right foot and that he cares about education and he knows that I care about it too. He knew that I was supposed to be at work, but I told him that it was a very important day and that I wanted to walk him to school. We talked about meeting new people and his teacher. We talked about the cafeteria and the library.

So yeah....I cried. We've established that.

School let out at 315, and I met him at the door. He came skipping out with a huge smile and a birthday crown on his head, holding his teachers hand. She said that he had a great day...no tears from him!! He talked non-stop about his day. He wanted to go back the next day, but I explained that he was going to go back on the following Monday. He actually got a little sad.

In all....it was a great day. The headache that I got from crying all morning was totally worth it by the end of the day. My son hugged me and told me that he had a wonderful day and that he loved kindergarten. I guess I'll eventually learn to love it too :)

Here's a picture:



Vintage**sniff, sniff** Me >.<

Looking for love in all the wrong places

You never know where or when God is going to send a message to you. I was working tonight at WW and this lady came in to weigh and we got to talking about God's grace. She was saying that after her divorce she was searching for love. She finally realized that she needed to stop looking for love because no man could love her the way God loved her.

No one could love her more than the Creator of love could love her.

NO ONE CAN LOVE ME MORE THAN THAN THE CREATOR OF LOVE HIMSELF CAN LOVE ME!!!

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

While I'm out there looking, I need to realize that I've got all the love I need. God gives it to me everyday. On those nights that I wished that a certain someone was here holding me, God was holding me. When I waited for that someone to call or to come by, I always had God. He never left me and He never will. God wants me to want Him the way that I've wanted someone else. When I give myself to Him - everything else will fall into place.

Praise the Lord!! God is good to me.

Vintage Me >.<

I know I've been changed

I've been changed! I know I have...let me tell you how I know.

I've been working on my relationship with God. I've been not only reading the bible more, but studying the bible; really trying to understand and grasp what God has for me. There are things that I try to abstain from because I know that God has a plan for me and all he wants me to do is to follow Him. I've been following so many of the wrong things in life for so long, it's time for me to follow God.

It's funny that once you try to live your life for God, the devil really will tempt you and try to make you sway from your course. For example, I've been getting my finances in order and working on reducing my debt.

So what happens - a rock breaks my window that I have to replace. What do I do? Do I curse and give up? No!!! I get the window fixed and praise God that I had the money to do it without having to borrow from someone else.

What else happens? Tax-free weekend! Time to shop - I love to shop and now theoretically I can save money because it's tax-free weekend. Do I shop? No!! I've got a plan and I'm sticking to it.

There was another situation with a friend that I felt was disrespecting me. I had planned on confronting this person for the wrong I felt they did. I had it all planned out...it was going to be good. Then a funny thing called Bible Study happened. We talked about conflict. How appropriate. Have you ever had that feeling in bible study or in church that the pastor is talking to you? I felt this way, only I was hoping that he was talking to the chick behind me :)
Anyway...I knew that God was working through my Pastor and letting me know, "Hey!! You know that's not what you should be doing". Pastor gave the example of how women ask God to find them a husband. They list all the characteristics that they're looking for and say, "I'm gonna turn it over to God". Then, they decide that they're going to help God by wearing a skirt with a slit up to there - just so that when that man finds her, he'll know what he's getting!! He said, "God doesn't need your help!!"

I knew it and didn't want to admit it. I know that God doesn't want me acting that way, and He knew He needed me to hear it. I heard it. I heard Him. I knew that what I had planned to do was wrong. At that moment, all I could do was thank Him. Thank Him for putting me in Bible Study that night, Thank Him for making my mind clear to hear His words, Thank Him for knowing that even though I might slip - I can always turn to Him for help.

I went home that night excited. I called my best friend and told her what happened and she asked me what I was going to do. I said I wasn't going to do anything. God will take care of it, God will show me what to do. It's not up to me, it's up to Him.

As far as the disrespectful friend - that's not up to me anymore. God is going to handle that situation. All I can do is continue to be the best person, the best mother, the best worker, the best Christian that I know how to be. All I can work on is me. I can't change other people, I can't influence other people to do what I want them to do...it's up to them to hear what God wants them to do.

Vintage Me >.<

Excuses

Excuses are tools of the incompetent used to build monuments of nothing and bridges that lead to nowhere.
For those who specialize in them shall never be good at anything else.

Excuses are lies we tell ourselves to avoid dealing with unpleasant truths. But as long as we buy into those excuses, we can never move past them. Instead of addressing the underlying problem, we merely hide the symptoms. I read this earlier today and I thought it was poignant. There are so many times that we make excuses for any number of things; weight loss, jobs, family, relationships. Why do we make excuses for things? Is it because we don't really want to face what is in front of us? Is it because we don't want to let people down with the truth about things? Or is it because we've convinced ourselves that our problems don't really exist and that the true fault lies within everyone else?

What's your excuse?

Vintage Me>.<

Credit

I am guilty of giving people too much credit. I tend to have higher expectations of people than they live up to.

I consistently wait and expect people to do things that I would do if I were them. This tends to cause me to be disappointed. I tend to sit and wait on things instead of either making them happen myself or realizing that certain people are not going to do what I expect of them. I put people on thrones that they have no reason to be on.

That shit is over. I'm tired of being walked on and treated the way I have been. I deserve better than what I've been getting. Find another sucker - I've been licked for the last time(take that anyway you want to).

Vintage Me >.<

True Friends......hmmmm......

I found this very interesting article the other day. It made me wonder about the people in my life that I considered "true friends".......


True Friendship - Recognition
How can we find true friendship in this often phony, temporary world? Friendship involves recognition or familiarity with another's personality. Friends often share likes and dislikes, interests, pursuits, and passion.

True Friendship - Relationship, Trust, Accountability
True friendship involves relationship. Those mutual attributes we mentioned above become the foundation in which recognition transpires into relationship. Many people say, "Oh, he's a good friend of mine," yet they never take time to spend time with that "good friend." Friendship takes time: time to get to know each other, time to build shared memories, time to invest in each other's growth.

Trust is essential to true friendship. We all need someone with whom we can share our lives, thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. We need to be able to share our deepest secrets with someone, without worrying that those secrets will end up on the Internet the next day! Failing to be trustworthy with those intimate secrets can destroy a friendship in a hurry. Faithfulness and loyalty are key to true friendship. Without them, we often feel betrayed, left out, and lonely. In true friendship, there is no backbiting, no negative thoughts, no turning away.

True friendship requires certain accountability factors. Real friends encourage one another and forgive one another where there has been an offense. Genuine friendship supports during times of struggle. Friends are dependable. In true friendship, unconditional love develops. We love our friends no matter what and we always want the best for our friends.

True Friendship - Examples of Real Friendship
Real and true friendship involves freedom of choice, accountability, truth, and forgiveness. Real friendship looks at the heart, not just the "packaging." Genuine friendship loves for love's sake, not just for what it can get in return. True friendship is both challenging and exciting. It risks, it overlooks faults, and it loves unconditionally, but it also involves being truthful, even though it may hurt.

Proverbs 18:19 in the New Living Translation says: "It's harder to make amends with an offended friend than to capture a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron bars." When we've offended a true friend - whether by breaking a trust or by speaking the truth with love - we risk losing that friendship. We must be careful not to break the trust. But when not speaking the truth will cause greater hurt in our friend's life, we must be willing to sacrifice our needs for those of our friend. That is true friendship.

Vintage Me >.<

Worst Car Week Ever

1. Monday
- coming home, a rock hits my back passenger window and shatters it
- can't pick the boys up with broken glass everywhere; have to borrow ex-husbands car

2. Tuesday
- still driving the ex's car until I can figure out how to get my window to the shop

3. Wednesday
- ex-husband takes car to shop to get fixed; cost $123

4. Wednesday
- while still in ex-husbands vehicle, I'm involved in a minor accident with a co-worker in the parking lot at work. Co-worker is acting as though I T-boned her at the intersection of Hickory Hill and Winchester

5. Thursday
- while leaving registration for my son, ex-husband calls and states that a rock just went through his driver side window and shattered it!!

I am hiring a driver and buying an armored car.

Happy Birthday

A very special birthday wish to a very dear friend of mine. I hope this is a wonderful and abundant year for you.

The world is a better place because of you.

I love you!

Vintage Me >.<

Shot off......

I cannot stand sorry, trifling, lying ass niggas!!!! Lord have mercy!!! Things bout to change....

Maybe he thought I would never know...maybe he thought I would never find out....guess what?? I know and I found out. You messed with the wrong one. I've let you get your way for far too long and now that shit is over!!!

Vintage me (sort of) >.<

Realizations

I've been on a self-discovery journey for a while now. I've taken some people on it with me at times, some willingly and others had no choice but to go. Most people who really know me know that after my divorce, I felt that I had lost who I was. I had someone say that I was simply amazing considering some things that I had been through. It took me a while to agree with that statement. For a long time, I just thought it was luck that brought me through some of the situations that I've been through. I don't feel that way anymore. Throughout this self-discovery process I strengthend my relationship with God. Me and God are real cool :). I find myself constantly talking to God and also hearing what He says. I know that it wasn't luck that brought me through those situations, it was truly the grace of God. God placed me at all those situations to make me a stronger person, to bring me through it and to tell my story to help others overcome.

My 1st test came at bible study a couple of weeks ago. Pastor was wanting to start The Biggest Loser at church. Ever since I lost weight and started working for weight watchers, I wanted to help my church but I wanted to wait until I knew what I was doing. I didn't want to half step at my church. So when pastor mentioned it, I knew right then that I was put right there at that moment for that reason and this was going to be my first way of helping other people overcome. It kicks off this Tuesday, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm excited about the things in my life right now. There are some minor things that I'd like to change and I'm working on those. There are also major changes that me and God have got to sit down and work out together. I realize that I can't just turn to God for portions of my life, I've got to give it ALL to him - finances, work, home, children, relationships, etc... I know that God will provide for me and will show me the way to go. I've got to be a faithful Christian and continue to live my life the way that he intended me to. There are going to be temptations along the way, but I know that He has a plan for me.

Turning it over to Him,

Vintage me >.<

Upgrade U

I really like this song by Beyonce -- Upgrade U. I particulary like the following part of the song:

It's very seldom that you're blessed to find your equal
Still play my part and let you take the lead role
Believe me
I'll follow this could be easy
I'll be the help whenever you need me
I see you hustle with my hustle
I can keep you
focused on your focus, I can feed you

All that materialistic stuff in the rest of the song doesn't matter to me. This is what I think is important for a woman like myself. I don't believe that it is my place in the relationship to stand in the front, I think its my role to support. It's not a matter of submission or domination by the man over the woman in a traditional sense. The Bible states, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior."(Ephesians 5:21-23 NIV) The man is supposed to be the head - plain and simple. Behind that man is a great woman. I know that I am meant to be that great woman for some great man.

I'm not looking for him anymore, I've given that mission to God and He has shown me that man for me. It is now up to God and that man to find me. I have to continue to take care of myself and my boys, continue to study His word, continue to praise Him for all that he has done and all that He will do in my life.

I know that I'll be a fantastic wife to this man, and I also know that he will be a fantastic husband to me. This man will be a covering for me and our family. I know that it will be the type of marriage that we deserve and that we will be good to each other. God truly is good!! He asks us to believe in Him and He will show us the way.

I believe in Him and I know that all things are possible because of Him. I am not a perfect person and I know that He has forgiven me for my sins.

Praise Him, Believe Him, and Trust in Him!!

Vintage Me >.<

ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!

I'm so upset at myself right now. I had an opportunity to talk to someone that I had been wanting to do for a while, and I didn't do it. I didn't have a good spirit going into it. I felt myself slipping into this old version of me. I knew that if I started talking about what I wanted to talk about, it wouldn't have been productive.

I hate putting off things like this.

Vintage Me >.<

4th times a charm?

I've sat here tonight and stared writing 3 different blogs(not including this one). I haven't posted any of them - I get to a point where I have to stop because I find myself writing about a specific person. I don't like it when my writing is focused on a specific person. It usually means that person is on my mind for whatever reason - good or bad. The person that I was writing about has been on my mind a lot lately.

Arrgghh!!!! Why is this happening? Why am I thinking about this person so much lately? It's driving me crazy.

Vintage Me >.<

Note to self

2. Never tell Flex the end of a movie or a show

Vintage Me >.<

Weighty Issues

I recently saw this article on msn.com about weight loss(thanks friend, for pointing it out to me). It profiled several people and their weight loss stories. I decided to follow their lead and post mine.

WEIGHT AND ME
My weight gain began like most women, after the birth of their children. In high school in college, I could always wear whatever I wanted. I was thin and toned. After the birth of my first child, I lost all my that last 10 lbs. I couldn't get it off. Then I got pregnant again and never lost the weight. Soon after the birth of my second child, I separated and eventually divorced my husband which lead to depression and more weight gain. I eventually gained roughly 20-25lbs over 2 years.

THE LAST STRAW
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at my desk at work and we were having another going-away lunch for someone. Baked chicken, pasta, salad, cheesecake....it was so good. I had like 3 or 4 plates of stuff on my desk. One plate full of pasta, one with salad, one with 2 pcs of cheesecake and one that had chicken and some vegetables. I was stuffing my face as usual. Then it happened...a coworker stopped by my desk and said "Melody, you always have food on your desk!!" I stopped eating and looked at all the plates and couldn't believe it. I was disgusted by what I saw. It brought tears to my eyes to see what I had become...I had gained so much weight, I was fat(to me) , I didn't have any energy and wasn't very happy.

HOW I DID IT
That happened on a Thursday and I joined Weight Watchers on the following Monday. With Weight Watchers and working out, I was able to make my goal weight. By sticking to the program and excercising, I was able to lose 26 lbs and go from a size 10 to a size 2.

THE KEY TO SUCCESS
Discipline and guidance from weight watchers and friends have made all the difference in my weight loss.

DERAILERS AND STRATEGIES
I've managed to stay pretty much on program. I've had a couple of slip-ups since I've started. I learned that throughout this process that I'm an emotional eater and that whenever I was upset or sad, that I would turn to food. I learned that in those times that I feel like that, instead of eating, I would excercise.

WHEN I SLIP
I've had a few weight gains, but instead of harping on about how much I've gained and feeling disapointed(except that one time) - I take it as an opportunity to focus back on the program. I've learned to be really honest with myself and take responsibility. If I ate and ate and ate and had a weight gain, it was my fault. I chose to do something about it instead of giving up.

WHEN I SOAR
Meeting my weight goal and being able to fit back into a size 4 and then a 2 again. Being able to wear fitted shirts again and not worry about bulges and lumps. Having more energy to do the things I love, play with my children and not get tired, and then....being complimented on my body again. I would be lying if I said that there hasn't been benefits for losing weight. I'll leave it at that ;)

Note to self:

1. Never make bets without consulting Flex on said bet and terms/conditions of bet

Vintage Me >.<

The bet....

Well............................what can I say? Looks like I've lost the bet. It's the 31st and JH is still going strong, doing well for the team and staying out of trouble.

Don't think I thought this all the way through(don't say anything, Flex). Oh, well...there's always next time.

Guess I'll have to reluctantly pay up on this bet.....DANG!!!!!!!


Vintage Me >.<

Weight Loss Update

I MADE MY GOAL WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been meaning to get on here and post, but I've been so busy this week with meetings and such. I went to weigh in on Wednesday and reached my goal weight. This journey has been long and there were definately times where I didn't think I would make it, but I stuck with it and I actually did. I talked with my friend Flex about it and we both thought that we would be on WW for a little while and that we probably would stick with it, but we have!!! She's reached her weight goal as well. I'm so proud of us!!! I'll post some pictures of us later.

Thanks to everyone who provided support and wouldn't make brownies for us when we asked for them :)

Vintage Me >.<

I've been called many things...

In my life time, I've been called many names. Some were nicknames from my family, some were nicknames from my sorority, some were just plain rude and not very nice. I've never really cared about those, though. In the last 4 years, I've been called something else, Mommy!!!

If you had told me 5 years ago that I would have two kids - I wouldn't have believed it. My children are the most precious gifts that I have ever received. There are times that being a single mother of 2 children is really challenging. When I was first separated from my husband and dealing with becoming a single mother, it was the most difficult time of my life. I constantly worried everyday that I was making a bad decision for my boys. They went from living in a house on a very nice cove, with a big backyard with two parents to being shuffled back and forth between that houses and my small apartment. I knew I needed to get out of the situation that I was in, but I worried for my children. I worried about the change for them. I worried how they were adjusting to it all. Through this, though - I was having a mini-breakdown. Looking back, I realize that I slipped into a short spell of depression. There were many times that I was so overcome with the pain of the ending of my marriage, that I really couldn't deal with anything else. I wasn't the best mother at that time for my children. There were so many days that I didn't think that I would be able to even get out of the bed, but there were these angels that made it possible. There was also another angel in my life that helped me get through the really rough times. He came through for me when I didn't have anyone else to turn to and when I didn't think I would be able to handle the pressure by myself. I don't know too many men that would step in and help out with another man's children. This person stepped up to the plate and came in and helped in ways that he doesn't even know that he did. There were a lot of times that I don't know how I would have made it through those first few months without him.

My children are the world to me, they are alike in a lot of ways, but they have very different personalities. The oldest is very emotional, touchy-feely, and a bit of a cry-baby. He's very smart and intelligent and loves race cars and movies. He'll be in the middle of watching a movie or playing and come find me and say, "Mommy, can I give you a hug?", and then go back to doing what he was doing previously. He gives the best hugs!!!

The youngest is a bit of a rebel, a free spirit, doesn't really care about anything(not in a bad way), he just goes with the flow of things. He, too is very smart. He picks up on things from his brother. He's also a clown, he tries to make people laugh and usually succeeds. He is a really funny 2 year old. It makes it hard to discipline him because he'll say something on purpose to get a laugh out of you. There are times that he can be sweet - the other day, he was sitting on my lap while I was reading him this book and he looked at me and said "mommy, I will be your baby" and I said yes, "you are my baby". He said "good!"

I've been told that the youngest is like me and the oldest is like his father. I agree. The oldest is assertive, he'll ask you a million times for something until he wears you down. The youngest is aggressive, he'll just take what he wants instead of waiting on you to respond.

I thank God every single day for these two boys in my life. I know that with the help and support of some wonderful men in their lives - they can do anything. These two little boys have a wonderful way of making me smile - even when I don't want to.

Jan 11th

I'm sitting at work, eating lunch at my desk - something that I try not to do, but today...I don't feel like going anywhere or really doing anything. I decided to write in my blog, but I don't have anything to write about. I'm trying to remember the direction I was going the other day with the familiar road thing, but that was 3 days ago...there's no telling. I searched some other blogs that I frequently read to see if they had posted anything that could jog my creative juices, but nothing!!!

Well...what's going on with me?
I've got one son that's starting to get into the whole I'm-going-to-talk-back-to-mommy-phase, the other one is biting people at school. I don't know what's going on with the two of them!!!

The PSYCHO ex-boyfriend called and left a message on my cellphone yesterday....good thing I saved his number in my phone under the name PSYCHO or I actually might have answered it. He said something about wanting to ask me something, but as far as I'm concerned, we don't have anything to talk about. As long as he's not calling me while he's following behind me in traffic :), I'm cool.

My blackberry started deleting information again...called my provider and they said they would send me another phone, but I don't want another one. Maybe this blackberry isn't for me? They said there was a bug in the software and once they release the newer version of the software it would be fixed. Of course, no ETA on when the software will be released.

I went to the Grizzlies-Lakers game on Tuesday. I don't know what happened to the Griz, but they actually played like they were getting paid that night. Kobe had a good night, too, but not like the Griz. It was a really good game, I had some good seats, too.

Well..I guess that's it for today. The boys got a board game for Christmas, so tonight is family night and I'm going to attempt to teach them how to play. I think it's either Chutes and Ladders or Candy Land.

Oh...I started getting these daily devotion emails...here is today's:

The title was Toxic Unforgiveness. It talked about our society's unwillingness to forgive each other for wrongdoings. We are so quick to sue each other, we don't simply stop and say "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you". We need to be more forgiving and learn to accept responsibility for our actions.

You have forgiven the iniquity of Your people; You have covered all their sin. —Psalm 85:2

Daggum!

Update on yesterday's entry(this bet isn't looking good for me):

Memphis' Hunt Earns First Honor of his Career











Jan. 8, 2007

Memphis senior guard Jeremy Hunt matched his career-high with 24 points in 24 minutes in an 88-55 victory over Cincinnati and was selected Conference USA Player of the Week, for games through Jan. 7, by a panel of media representatives covering the league.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK
JEREMY HUNT, Memphis
Senior, Guard, Memphis, Tenn.

Hunt tied his career-high with 24 points in just 24 minutes as the Tigers defeated former C-USA foe Cincinnati, 88-55, on Jan. 4. The senior guard nailed 7-of-8 field goals, including a career-best six 3-pointers, and was 4-of-4 from the free-throw line. At one point in the first half, Hunt had outscored the Bearcats on his own, 12-7. This is the first Conference USA Player of the Week honor for Hunt, who ranks among the Top 15 in the conference for scoring (13.8 ppg; 11th); field goal percentage (.466; 15th) and three-point field goal percentage (.422; 9th).

http://conferenceusa.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/010807aaf.html

Go Tigers Go!

I've always been a big U of M fan..I went there, graduated there, met some of my bestest friends there, etc. I've always supported the Tigers in basketball and football. I think its partly because I was in the band and we had to go to all the games (whether they were winning or not - and they weren't when I was in the band). The basketball team this year is doing well, despite losing a couple of games that they shouldn't have(Tennessee) anyway, there is a certain player on the team that in my opinion, shouldn't have been let back on the team. He had some problems in the past and he was kicked off the team, but allowed to come back this year. Now, its been told to me that he'll do what he needs to do in order to contribute to the team and keep his chances up on turning pro. I personally feel that he's too much of a liability for the team and that they're risking the team for the sake of one person.

So, because of my mouth and my opinions, I have a bet going with someone about this player. I felt like he wasn't going to make it through the end of January (let alone, the end of the season) without doing something to get him in trouble and bring negative light on the Memphis Tigers. The person that I have a bet with feels like this is his last chance and he's not going to do anything to mess up this chance he's been given.

The player in question has actually been doing well on the team and staying out of trouble. I know it may seem like I'm actually rooting against the Tigers because of this player, but I'm really not. I want them to do well, I just don't want them to put all of there stock in this one kid. However, it seems like I may lose this bet (daggum!). He scored 24 points against Cincy in a game that was a complete BLOWOUT!!!!!!

I normally don't make a bet unless I know I'm going to win - I've got to have a certain level of confidence in the bet and my standing on it. This bet...I guess I was wrong. Now, January isn't over yet, there's still time for anything to happen - and with the Memphis Tigers, anything can (prostitutes, domestic violence charges - you name it).

I'd hate to lose a bet, but if it means that the Tigers have a chance to go back into the NCAA tournament, then I guess it's okay to lose.

Next matchup:
Thursday, January 11th
at Houston(5-7) who lost their last game against Kentucky 70-77

Vintage Me >.<

Too many topics

I very rarely have times that I sit down to write and I have too many topics on my mind to narrow down to one, single topic. Today happens to be one of those days...I can't figure out exactly what I want to write about. I was talking with my friend Flex last night about writing and I mentioned to her that I wanted to write about censorship and insecurity and possible combining the two, I woke up this morning and read a friends' blog and he was talking about doing familiar things after a long time - that got me thinking, I just don't know. I think I'll go with my first thought and write about that and then hit on the familiarity thing later.

Here we go:

Lately I've been a lot more cautious than normal in my writings because of a certain circumstance. I'm a pretty open person, and I rarely use names in my blogs to protect the guilty :) Anyway...I was dealing with a situation that caused me to seriously consider every word that I wrote and I didn't like it. Going back and reading some of the things that I've written, whether I've posted them or not - I was censoring myself(more than normal).

The problem with this is that this is not a decision that I think I made myself, but because of higher than normal activity to my blog, it made me question what I wrote and what I was writing. On one hand I cared what was written and who was being protected, but on the other hand I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

At the start of the New Year, I went back to read some of my older entries and was wondering if any of what I said could be misinterpreted in anyway. I guess if you don't really know me and know some of the issues that I've faced in 2004-2005, you could read my blog thinking one thing and it's actually something else. Now...do I feel a need to clarify? No. I don't need to clarify any of my actions over the past year ANYBODY. Things that happen in the past, were in the past and they cannot be taken back. I don't have a need to justify anything to anyone in particular. This leads me into my 2nd topic of this post - insecurity.

I used to be a very insecure child, girl and woman. It was not until the ending of my marriage and divorce that I feel I lost my insecure thinking. I was always wondering if I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, this or that. I was so busy worried if I wasn't enough of something that I couldn't just enjoy what was going on around me. I dealt with insecurity at work, in my sorority, with my friends and especially guys. Being a survivor of domestic violence and rape, I became especially insecure with men. I was so worried that I was going to say something wrong or do something that was going to make them leave or hit me. This was something that I would deal with in relationships for 8 years. Once my marriage ended and I was pretty much back to square one - I decided to deal with my issues headon. I soon realized that I was/am pretty, I have a lot to offer the right man and I'm very secure in myself now. This has helped me tremendously in relationships since my marriage. Because I'm so confident in myself as a woman, I don't worry about whatever guy I'm dating. I realized that I cannot control anyone and that I have to trust what they're telling me.

I was dating this guy that told me that he slept with someone else. I never questioned who the woman was that he slept with because of two reasons: 1. I wasn't his girlfriend, 2. what difference would it have made if I knew who she was? Now, the me 3 years ago? She would have wanted to know who she was, when did it happen, where was I, what I could have done differently about the situation. The me now? I appreciated him telling me (because he really didn't have to - he didn't owe me anything) and we were able to move on from the situation - seriously. I have never thrown it in his face, we didn't even talk about it after he told me and we never had to have any long, drawn out conversation about it.

What changed in the me from 3 years ago to the me now? I'm secure in my womanhood. It's not cocky, but secure. Once you get to know me, you find out that I'm not like most women. The things that bother most woman don't really bother me. I go into relationships now with a clear understanding of who I am and what I want. I set the level of expectations and I work to meet those. If I'm in a casual relationship, then I know that there are going to be times that he may be out with someone else - hell, there may be times when he calls me that I may be out with someone else. As long as everyone involved knows the rules, so to speak, then I'm okay. I know what to expect of him and he will know what to expect of me. I understand the value of friends of the opposite sex and the healthy role that they can play in a relationship. I have friends that are of the opposite sex and I know that going forward into any relationship that I'll be in - those men that have played a role in my life aren't going anywhere and any man that cannot be with me because of those men - can keep on stepping. This being said, the man I could be with could also have friends that are girls. I really don't care, I can't worry about any other woman if I'm secure in myself.

So...how do censorship and insecurity tie together? I had been censoring myself and my blog because of someone else's insecurity. Guess what? Not anymore. See the thing is - while anyone can look on my blog and read anything that I've written, they're not getting the entire story of anything, and any story on my blog could potentially be about any particular person - and most times, it's not about the person that most people think it's about.

Going forward, I'm going to write about whatever I want to write about, whoever I want to write about as well. I'm not going to second guess myself for the sake of anyone. Now, I'm not going to write private and explicit entries...I've never done that and I'm not going to start now. I'm not going to attack anyone with words through my blog - I'd rather do that in person anyway :) I'm just going to be me!!

I think I read somewhere about awakening a sleeping giant :) They don't know what they're in for....

Vintage Me >.<

New Year, New Me

Happy New Year!! 2006 is officially a memory. It was an overall good year, with moments of frustration, anger and disappointments. Some of these moments came from the same person(s), others were spread across different people.

I worked really hard on being a better person, a better mother, a better friend and an overall better ME!! I think that I've done the best that I could do. I've been trying to live up to what I've said, and to be honest with myself.

That being said(c'mon...you knew it was coming), I would really appreciate it if people could be honest with me. I am so sick and tired of people lying to me(or hiding information) and assuming that I'm stupid. I deserve the truth from people and not to be consistently misled by people, or so they think. It's ridiculous to think that I don't see what is plainly in front of me. I wish some people could see how ridiculous it makes them look.

I've learned this past year, that you cannot be friends with everyone. You can be civil, but maybe not friends. I've learned that you cannot tell everyone everything - even some of your friends. Some people just want to use the information that you tell them against you in the future. I've learned that my children are the most honest people that I know. I've learned that I have a very small group fo friends that I love and in turn, they love me too! I've learned that it's really okay to let go of some people in your life. I've really learned that some people are only supposed to be in your life for certain reasons. I've learned that - and I really have learned this - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING ALONE!

I don't have the answers for everything, and I don't pretend to. There are still plenty of times that I turn into a "girl" when I try real hard not to. I am human and I make mistakes, the thing with me is that I own up to my mistakes. I've made plenty of mistakes this past year, there are people that I've hurt - to those people, I'm sorry.

I would also like to say thank you to a few people that I have influenced my life this year and have made my life richer by being in it.

Thank you to:
God - without you, I am nothing. My faith had grown so much this year.

Andrew & Chris - without you, I am nothing. You two are the silliest, most handsome and the most joyful people in my life. I am so grateful that I have you.

Dad, Mom, Wanda - Thank you to the 3 of you for all of your support this year.

Khayree - there aren't enough words for you to understand how much you mean to me. I love
you dearly!

Susan - Mane What?!?!? Ride or Die, Freesol, Together we're brilliant, how many pt's do you have left, dogbird, boys are stupid, no I'm not doing anything, we are too much alike!

Harry - ah, Harry. You are something else. We've been through so much this year...I love you.

Theresa - I love you sissy...thanks for everything....don't drink from the can!

Jennifer - you are one of the smartest people that I know....we are better off...really we are.

Bryon - You are the smartest person that I know. You are a brilliant person and a wonderful soul...thank you for reminding me how strong I am.

Weight Watchers - 21 lbs pounds gone...4 more to goal. Enough said!

Drew - I'm not really sure what to say...we've had so many ups and downs this year. Thank goodness we've survived each other.

If I've left anyone off this list, it's simply an oversight......please charge it to my head and not my heart.


Here is to a wonderful 2007!!!!

Vintage Me >.<