We've got to stop meeting like this...

I don't know why I can't stay focused on writing. I used to write so frequently...alas, the excuses of life have kept me away.

Seems like I'm always posting some update to my life and where I am on this journey. So here goes. Hold on...there's a lot to say.

Umm..so, yeah...in previous posts, I've mentioned my ex-husband and how we've been on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again. I think the last time I mentioned him, we went through counseling and were able to resolve old issues and become really good friends, which is still totally true. Thing is...we're back together. No surprise there, huh? LOL!!

This time, things are completely different, which is a good thing. This man, has been there for me through thick and thin. No matter what. And I'm a pretty difficult person to be around at times. We knew that we'd remain friends no matter what, and focus on what the children needed from us no matter what. That part remained true since our divorce.

But then, my grandmother died. And my world fell apart in one day, one moment, one instance. During this time, I still cared for another person, but was transitioning away from them. I still cared for my ex-husband (that never went away). When I got the news of my grandmother passing, my ex-husband was one of my very first frantic phone calls. I instictinly knew he would know what to do. I lost all concept of reality, time and responsibility for a few hours and during that time...he was right there.

I'm sure I was a complete mess (he has validated that for me over time), but during that time, he was just what I needed. He jumped in, grabbed the boys, rearranged his schedule without me asking him and provided the support that I needed. Now what happened next is what changed my heart.

Funeral - blur...except for the hilarious ramblings of my eldest cousin.

Burial - tear stained blur. Easily one of the worst moments of my life. None of this "joy" people talk of as their loved one is lowered into the ground and closure happens. This didn't happen for me. I remember wanting it to stop, for them not to lower her casket into the ground, wanting to kiss her cheek one more time, wanting to hold her hand one more time, wanting to hear her laugh, cuss, yell, fuss....anything. I wanted more time with her. I wasn't ready to leave. I didn't want to leave her side.

Here comes the change - I remember not being able to walk, not being able to move, dry heaving (it wasn't pretty...but I didn't care). Someone helped me to my feet, cradled me in their arms and helped me walk to the limo. Sitting down in the car, I looked up expecting to see my father. It felt like I was with my father, I wouldn't have been that comfortable with anyone else. I was wrong, it was my ex-husband.

Let me back up...my father means the world to me. I love my father like a little girl is supposed to love her father. I'm the "daddy's girl" you read about. So, for me to be with someone that is taking care of me in only a way that a father could...that's HUGE.

Going back to my father's house, he let me sleep. He laid with me as I slept to make sure that I was taken care of.

This is something that only someone who loves you unconditionally can do. And it was like a lightbulb went off. I didn't want to react too quickly to this. Part of me really wanted to believe it, but the other part was so skeptical and didn't want to make decisions based on emotional moments. So I decided that I wasn't going to tell anyone about what happened and what I was thinking. I was going to wait and see what developed.

Over several months, we went on a few dates. Nothing fancy. Just spent time together, with and without the kids. I knew I needed to see if anything more than a friendship was there. And slowly, it was...his charm and charisma was winning me over (again).

I remember we were headed to a cold Tigers game and I decided that was the time to tell him that I had been thinking about us getting back together. He tried so hard to act so nonchalant about what I was saying. I don't think he gave me any type of reaction for a couple of days. Next thing I knew, we were spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years together and making plans for us to combine our households into one house again.

Things happen quick with us, they always have. However, this time I don't feel rushed. I know I have the rest of my life to spend with my best friend. Our kids were so happy to hear the news, as well as our famly and most of our friends. Everyday that I wake up next to him, knowing that our family is whole is a day that is a marvelous day that could only be orchestrated by God.

God is amazing and is in total control of our lives. I thank God everyday for guiding us to follow his word and to believe in our family and that all could be well through Him.

I look forward to the future of us. Hopefully soon I'll be able to formally announce the worst kept secret ever!

Soon to be...

vintageMelody >.<

...untitled

I had this huge long story of the breakup and boo-hoo story of me and my ex. I deleted it because while I did care very deeply for him, I decided that he didn't deserve the amount of time/space that I was giving him on my blog. I do not say this out of anger, but really out of growth and maturity.

Trust me, I could be that vindictive ex-girlfriend and tell all the bad things in our relationship and probably even make things up to make him look bad. I could bad-mouth him to our mutual friends and give him the 'bird' every time I saw him. I could play the victim and only tell my side of things and portray him as a cold-hearted bastard.

But I won't. Really....I won't.

I cared a lot about this man. It didn't work out. For reasons that we both know. And that's all I have to say about him and the relationship.

good-bye Peanut....thanks for the memories.

vintageMelody

Friends.....how many of us have them?

Hopefully, you too have that Whodini song stuck in your head like me.

My friends.....wow, I really have some of the best friends in the world. And I'm not just saying that for sake of posting in my blog. I really truly mean that. I really never thought I'd have friends like I do, because I'm anti-social and a little bit stuck up (I know my sister is like "hell yeah").

We moved around a lot when I was growing up, so I never got the chance to really make friends with people because either we were moving or they moved. By the time I made it to high school, I was so standoffish that I never really approached people and my close group of friends was literally 3 or 4. And they were all in the band...I would've never been caught hanging out with non-band folks, seriously. That just shows you how stuck up I was in high school.

But then....college happened. I started out at UTC and immediately became friends with people that weren't in the band. I actually started hanging out and kicking it. But UTC was too small of a school for me and I really missed home, so I transferred to U of M. This is where things really took off!!

I was accepted into my sorority, Zeta Phi Beta and immediately had close friends not only in my sorority, but also with the men of Phi Beta Sigma. There were people that I met and instantly had things in common with , just because I was a part of a greek letter organization. We were a small population at the U of M and did so many activities together, it was hard not to become friends with so many people. But then something changed....I got married and pregnant and I was back in my own little world for a while.

During this transition time from "kicking it" Melody and "mommy" Melody, there have been a few people that have been right there by my side. My sister, of course. She's really my homie. I love, love, love this girl. And for us, the fact that we're really, truly friends now....says a lot. That'll be another posting at a later date.

My friends from high school - Khayree and Candi. These two nutcases...well, I guess I make three with them. I love these two to pieces. I'd stick up for them in a heartbeat. They are some of the best people you could ever know. They know me when I'm sincere and when I'm full of it and aren't afraid to call me on my BS. I wish I saw them more often, but God has a way of putting people right where they need to be when they need to be there.

My frat brother Gerald - this guy...this guy...this guy. Man...he's been there for me. If I ever need a man's point of view about something, he's right there (and usually correct). He has such a good heart and is such a good person. When we met, he was this scrawny little freshman that somehow ended up riding with me to Austin Peay for a stepshow. I was like "who the heck is this little kid?" And we were joined at the hip from that point on. He was frick to my frack in college. We've had a ton of great times together and I'm so happy of the man that he is to this day. I'm almost certain that some of my advice has helped over the years. LOL!!

My dawg Susan (I'm singing Atomic Dog in my head right now...if she's reading this, she's dancing like a Que) - this chick is indescribable. We've been through EVERYTHING together...cried, laughed, cursed, danced...and all in the span of 5 minutes. I can't even find the words to really express how much her friendship means to me. She's more than a friend...she's like my sister. She's my sister-friend. Let me stop before I cry.
**sniff, sniff**

My chica Tory - what can I say about this girl. From the moment I met her, I just knew we wouldn't be friends. I can say that about most people that I'm friends with. But this girl....she's a walking fashion display. She's the only person I know that accessorizes everything. She's flawless. She's got the perfect shoe, earring, necklace, belt...for any occasion. She's also got some of the greatest listening ears that I've ever met. This girl has listened to countless stories, dramas and situations that I've confided in her and she never judges me. Now she does give a mean "girl...don't you believe dat" face...but she listens. She's funny, smart and beautiful and a blessing in my life.

Its funny that when you really start looking over your life and all of the people in it, you really see that you're truly blessed. There are some friends that I didn't go in depth about for whatever reason. It doesn't mean that they're not as special as the others, these people were just close to my heart right now. And then....I have a shitty memory and I'm sure that I'll hit "Publish Post" and be like....damn...I forgot so-and-so. So for that...I have an honorable mention section. Those folks that I'm just now thinking about are "Shawna, Drew, Janese, Jezelle, Whitney and countless of other people"

I love each and every one of my friends. They really mean the world to me. I know that if I needed anything, if I were in pain, if I needed to cry, if I needed to laugh...I could pick up my phone and text or IM or BBM or facebook or whatever and they'd be right there.

To have friends...you must first be a friend.

Love and light

vintageMelody

Catching up on life...

I haven't posted since Feb 2010 and so much has happened since then...I can hardly believe how this year has just flown by.

A quick recap:
- uh...boyfriend of over a year is no more. he's a whole 'nother posting.....if i feel like devoting that much time to it. we'll see.

- went to counseling with ex-hubby....very theraputic, but isn't counseling supposed to be that way? Anyway, counseling really helped us resolve our old issues, but didn't really help us to be able to move forward together. The good thing is that we're in the best place we've ever been together - friends! Now, there are struggles as he wants more than I do, but we take things one day at a time and I no longer desire to push him down a ravine. Did I just say that? I didn't mean it....no, really....I didn't..

- Work...is....good. Sometimes, you just have to repeat that over and over again. Seriously, though, I love what I do but there are times that it is challenging, but anything worth it should challenge you from time to time.

- church - I'm in between church homes...this saddens me a little bit. I'll just keep praying that God shows me where I should be.

- friends - Now this should really be another post seperately and I think it will be. Stay tuned for it.

The biggest thing that happened this year was losing my grandmother; Big Mama. Even 2.5 months later, its still so hard to believe and yes, sometimes even harder to accept. This woman was my everything - even when I wanted to push her down a ravine. There goes that ravine again....hmmm.... I loved her more than anything, that is until my children were born.

She dealt with illness for years but she was so resilent and defiant that I always thought that nothing would take her out. It would have to be a nuclear winter or something. When I was younger and just learning to drive, that's when we would spend most of our time together. She loved to shop and taught me how to do it properly! Wear comfortable shoes, make sure you have plenty of time, take your time, look for sales, and lastly....enjoy yourself. She taught me my love for shoes, pretty dresses and accessories. I can still hear her voice telling me that I "needed those cute shoes". God....I loved that woman.

As her time here on earth was coming to an end, I'm so glad that I was able to spend time with her. Yeah...it was hard visiting with her and she didn't remember my name or she thought I was someone else...but in her eyes, I could tell she knew it was me.

The saturday before she died, my father pulled me aside and told me that he didn't think she had much time left and that he thought I needed to spend as much time with her as I could. I didn't really want to believe the words he was saying. The next day, I went to church and talked to my Pastor and let him know what was going on. I stopped by and visited with her after church...something told me to go. Not something....God told me to stop what I was doing. This was more important.

She wasn't right. She wasn't the same. She was watching something on TV, some sports program - something she didn't normally watch. She had this faraway look in her eyes and she would go from crying to smiling in a matter of seconds. She didn't say anything most of my visit with her. I just held her hand and told her how much I loved her. She just looked at me and smiled and rubbed my hand. As I got ready to go, I told her that I loved her once again and she looked me in the eye and said "I love you, too".

I drove away that day in tears. I knew we didn't have much time left and I made a promise to myself to spend my lunches at work with her. After all, she wasn't far from my job and I could sit and just spend time with her. I wanted as much time as possible.

That next day, I'm working from home with the kids and I tell them that we're gonna go to Mcdonalds and grab a bite to eat and go visit Big Mama. Just then, my phone rang and it was my dad. I will NEVER forget the sound of his voice and the words he said next...."baby...I wanted to call you first and let you know that Big Mama passed this morning..."

A blur of screaming, crying, pleading, begging and pain followed for what seemed like an eternity. I remember laying on the floor in my room beside my bed in a ball of disbelief and tears. I couldn't function. I couldn't think. I'm not sure how my ex-husband got there because I couldn't figure out how to work my phone to call anyone. I'm so thankful for him.

I composed myself to go with my father to make the arrangements for my grandmother, something I didn't think I'd be strong enough to do, but this was the last shopping trip per se for me and her and I had to suck it up and be there.

The course of the week leading to her funeral was a blur, but through the support of my friends and my sister, I never would've made it through. And I did make it. Now, unfortunately, I still have moments where I don't really believe that she's gone and I know it just takes time. I miss her so much and I just try to make her proud everyday. I'm glad that my children got to know her. My youngest climbed up in my lap the other day and told me that he misses her. Here's a picture of us at my highschool graduation....yeah, we were both crying.

I've had a rough year, but things are really looking up. And I'm promising myself to get back to my writing on a consistent basis. I don't always have some deep, thought provoking message to share with people. Sometimes, its nothing at all....but it means something to me.

I hope you'll check back in.....I'll be here and I'll leave the light on for ya!

Love and Light,

vintageMelody

Affirmation for Singles

Yes, I am an attractive woman of intelligence and experience. I am complete whether I am married or single. I love myself and more importantly, I love the Lord. He told me that when I delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. Just because you don’t see me with a mate or a date, doesn’t mean that I must be attracted to my same gender. I’m learning to love, appreciate and understand myself before I allow someone else in my life to appreciate the sugar I’m storing on the top shelf. I’m complete, whole and enough whether in a relationship or not.
My worth is not determined by whether I am married, divorced, single or engaged. My heavenly Father told me I’m above a diamond’s worth and a gem doesn’t seek, a gem is sought and cherished.

As a woman, I know it’s not my role to chase after or change a man. Esther 2:1-4 states that I am to wait on my King. Since I’m learning how to cherish, value, love and honor myself, I am
enjoying my life and thankful that in Gods timing I will attract my divine right mate.

I am willing to heal, grow and let go of any fear or low selfesteem. I thank God for giving me the patience, discipline, and self-worth to discern what and who is best suited for my time, lifestyle, standards, heart, body and soul. He will know that making love to me requires caressing my mind before caressing my body. I’m thankful for the mind and daily activities that keep me strong, active and centered in peace and satisfaction vs. restlessness.

I have spiritual gifts and goals to pursue. I am learning selfcontrol to avoid the weakness of the flesh or the pressures of others and not lower my worth or values. My divine right mate could show up in the most unexpected place or time. I will stop missing events, activities and
experiences in my life just because I am single. I am taking my life’s happiness out of layaway. What I am seeking, is also seeking me. So I keep myself healthy, loving, active, spiritually strong and wise to become an irresistible magnet for all the good that God has in store for my life. My inner wisdom teaches me to focus on the internal vs. the external, the truth vs. denial, my heart and just not just my hormones.

As I read this affirmation daily, I am encouraged, strengthened and empowered to radiate with wholeness, love and self-esteem. I am free of any shame, guilt, anger, grief, depression or neediness. I am loved and I am a loving person. I realize that a great boyfriend is not necessarily the best candidate for a husband. I will give myself permission to enjoy companionship without disrespecting or neglecting my children, my health or my personal goals.

My happiness is not dependent on whether I have a mate or not. My attitude of joy and completeness begins with me and my relationship with the Lord.

From: You Deserve More: Desperation is a Terrible Perfume to Wear
By: Jewel Diamond Taylor

It's been a long time....

I shouldn't have left you.....without a dope beat to step to!

Anyway, gosh it's been over a year since I've blogged!!! I guess life was moving too fast for me to slow down and put thought to paper, er...blog. So...what's been happening? Here are the highlights/lowlights:

• Moved from previous apt and in with Susan for a year...saved $$$, paid off credit cards...year is just about up
• Boys are still doing their thing...Andrew got to finally be on a basketball team and he did very well...Chris is starting Tee Ball on Saturday (Lord...be with us)
• Work is still work and I'm truly thankful for my job. A lot of people were downsized due to the horrible recession that we've been in since '07 (thank you George Bush)
• Speaking of Bush...he's outta here!!! And welcome the First Black Family, President Barack Obama and Family!! YES WE CAN!!! YES WE DID!!!
• Let's see...the love life.....this might need to be a whole 'nother post...lol!!
  

The love life....my favorite drama!! Let's see what happened....

Drew and I attempted for a minute....didn't work out. Met this guy at work, we went out a few times, I thought it was going to turn into something, but....alas, I was wrong. He needed time to "date" or something and wasn't ready for a relationship at that time (more on that later)....so the summer came. Ah....summer! Brings out the best in people :) Anyway, guys come and go over the summer....nothing really interesting to write about. So, my birthday comes.....and the guy from work in still in the back of my mind (I wished at that time that he wasn't, but he was sooo....) I invite him to my birthday dinner and he doesn't show! The reason/excuse/whatever is that he was tired! Too tired to come have dinner with me and my friends on my birthday! So, I'm pissed....like really, really pissed. I decided at that point that I was really done with him. I didn't have time for games and apparently he did, and that he needed to go play them with someone else!
But....here comes Halloween. Another of my favorite holidays!! So, I have this costume party at the house, and somehow he finds out about it, I think I inadvertently mentioned it while talking to him and he asks if he's invited.....I finally cave and say, yes, he can come.
So now I'm thinking, this is the perfect opportunity for me to show him what he's missing. I'm looking EXTRA HOT in my costume (a naughty cop) and it's very obvious that he's noticing me. I don't remember flirting all night but apparently I did, cause he didn't leave until the next day....damn!! That wasn't in my plan at all!!!
So, after this....we're hanging out some, not all the time, but we're talking more at work and after work or whatever and I feel like this dude is sucking me back in...LOL.
At the same time this is going on, I'm slick being cyberstalked by this guy on Facebook....long story short, he's history as well cause he's a nutjob!!

Fastforward to Christmas time....yet another favorite holiday. Me and the work dude are talking online (like we do) and he mentions Christmas and how he wants to get me something (wha??) so he gives me an amount that I can spend at Macy's and ends up ordering me a purse. I'm kinda throwed by this because for all intents and purposes, we're very casually dating (cause he's still not ready for a relationship) and he's getting me a gift at Christmas??? At this point, I don't know what the hell is going on.

So....the New Year comes....YAY!! And we're spending all kind of time together...he lets me know that he's not interested in dating anyone else or sleeping with anyone else, but is not quite ready to call me his girlfriend.....I don't know why, he's acting like a boyfriend, but whatever. I decide to let things happen as they happen.

February rolls around and the next thing I know.....somehow, we end up in a relationship! It's so funny to me that this guy that I started talking to in Feb of 2008 has finally come to realize that what was right in front of him was the best thing that's happened to him in a long time (now I'm just assuming that's how he feels...LOL)

We've had some bumps in the road, miscomunications and mishaps, folks from the past showing up (that will def be another post)...but all things considering, it's been wonderful.

I haven't been this happy in such a long time that it feels weird....doesn't feel like it belongs to me...yet. I'm trying to take things slow and let things happen as they happen, but that is sooo hard for me, i'm a natural planner and I'm having to put those urges aside.

This relationship is teaching me patience and understanding and for that, I'm grateful.

I'll post more about him and us later......but for now, I'm out!

Vintage Me >.<

Feelings of rejection

Feeling rejected is a horrible feeling. I recently was given this devotional that was a real eye-opener for me...ENJOY!!

Daily Devotional - Wednesday February 20th

Rooted deep...and founded securely on [God's] love. Ephesians 3:17

Roots of rejection

Are you struggling with rejection? When your roots spring from the soil of rejection it's like living in a house with a faulty foundation; every storm brings new problems. You can employ all kinds of tricks from people-pleasing to workaholism to make yourself feel better, but without a healthy root system nothing works. Flawed roots always produce flawed fruit. And your roots were diseased long before you started producing such fruit. What's the answer? Being "Rooted deep...and founded securely on [God's] love." God wants to pick you up, shake off the old soil and replant you securely in His love and acceptance. And He doesn't just replant you, He 're-parents' you. That means that you no longer draw your self-worth from your family of origin. "Now we are the sons of God" (IJn 3:2). But remember, it's a process. Strong roots require three things: (1) Time to develop. Becoming confident in your identity as God's child is like breaking in new shoes. You must walk in them till they become comfortable. (2) Protection from predators and harsh elements that can kill. You need to surround yourself with people who "have obtained like precious faith" (2Pe 1:1). Christian fellowship is your protective shield! (3) Being fed and watered regularly. Once-a-week in church won't cut it, you must learn to feed yourself regularly on God's Word!

The cure for rejection is - being able to see yourself as God sees you. It means announcing, "I am what God says I am, I have what God says I have, therefore I can do what God says I can do." So even if you didn't get off to a great start, you can still have a great finish!

In pursuit of ?

Today in church, the sermon was titled, "In pursuit of God", but the meat of the sermon was more...what are you in pursuit of? The jist of the sermon was no matter what you're in pursuit of, you should be in pursuit of God because God has been in pursuit of you since before you were born.

But...the preacher asked the question, "what are you in pursuit of?" I began to wonder what I was really in pursuit of. I've been through some stuff...whoo!! I think I've been seaching for love and happiness (wassup Al Green!!) anyway....I have. I've been looking for that butterfly in your stomach, make you sweat because you're slightly nervous or anxious when you're around that person, heart racing kinda feeling.

I heard someone the other day say that you fake it until you make it. Some things in life, you can't fake. You can't fake love. You might be able to fake other things :), but love is not one of them.

So...what do I do? Settle for comfort and okay? Or keep seaching for love and happiness?

I think I'll keep searching. Don't I deserve love and happiness?

Vintage Me >.<

Cue the fight song!!!

Exodus 15:2

The LORD is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Jesus, Be A Fence

Chorus:
Jesus be a fence all around me everyday
Jesus I want you to protect me as I travel along the way
I know you can(yes Lord)
I know you will (yes Lord)
Fight my battle(yes Lord)
If I just keep still (yes lord)
Lord be a fence all around me everyday

Repeat Chorus

Verse:
This is my prayer Lord that I pray each and every day
That you would guide my footsteps lest I stumble and stray
Lord, I need you to direct me all the way long
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday
Come help me say, Jesus...

Repeat Chorus

Verse:
Sometimes the way get so rough y'all
and the nights are so long
In my hour of weakness, that old enemy tries to steal my soul
But when he comes like a flood to surround me
My God will step in and a standard he'll raise
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday
Ohhh Jesus

Repeat Chorus

Jesus be a fence ( Jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (Jesus be a fence)
Be a fence right now (jesus be a fence)
As I come and go (Jesus be a Fence)
Be a fence right now (Jesus be a fence)
Say (jesus be a fence

Cause I need Protection (protection)
Protection (protection)
Protection (protection)
Along the way ( along the way)
protection (protection
Protection(protection)
Protection (protection
Along the way (along the way)
Along the Way (along the way)
Along the Way (along the way)
Along the way (along the way)
Along the way (along the way)
Protection(protection)
Strong tower(strong tower)
Protection(protection)
Along the way (along the way)
Be a fence (Jesus be a fence)
Be

EXTRA EXTRA

THREE NEW POSTS!!!! UNHEARD OF, BUT TRUE...KEEP READING AND ENJOY

Vintage Me >.<

Changing Seasons

Most typical seasons last 3 months, right? Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter - all three months long. Sometimes there can seem to be an overlap of seasons. It's officially fall, but it still feels like summer, you get the gist.

Life has seasons as well and just like the weather seasons, they can overlap. You could be transitioning from one season to the next and it still feel like the same old season. The difference with the seasons of life and the seasons of weather is that with weather, there is an actual date when the seasons change. Not so with life. Seasons can change at the drop of a hat or it can take months to change a season. Sometimes seasons can change without your permission.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a season change. It is not anything that I necessarily started, I think it was started for me. Am I okay with it? I don't really know. Part of me is not, but the other part is wanting the leaves to just turn colors and daylight to change, and wanting it to happen quickly. The other part of me is liking the fact that it is changing, but that it also feels like summer still. Like my pastor says, "you'll catch that one on the way home."

Vintage Me >.<

By the way...I'm in love with your boyfriend

I don't have a boyfriend. I have a problem with that term anyway - I'm 30, why do I need a "boy"friend? Man sounds so territorial...anyway, I'm digressing from this story.

So...there is this guy. We are not dating. We are some sort of friends(that is a whole 'nother post). We have been "something" for a while. Not everyone knows this, nor do most people care. I can only think of two people that may care, and their opinions mean nothing to me. There are a few people who know some details of what is/was going on.

Let's back up a second. A disclaimer to the rest of the story:
He is a very charismatic person, one who is full of personality, sensitivity and at times a listening ear like a good girlfriend and a bottle of wine.
This is very dangerous. You'll see why in a minute.

Back to the story. So I have a friend, who I met through this guy. I didn't get a good feeling from her in the beginning, but we have developed a friendship. I've struggled lately because something felt wrong recently. I didn't know what it was until she uttered these words, "girl...I'm in love with your boyfriend". Like I said earlier, I don't have a boyfriend, so immediately, I didn't know who she was referring to. I told her this, and then she explained. She was talking about that guy. That guy who she knew how I felt about, that guy that she knew what I had been going through...that guy. She was talking about that guy.

It was very surreal to stand face to face with someone and they tell you something like that. They love the person that you love. Hmmmmm...really? I asked her, "really?" She said, "yes." It wasn't a, "I think so" or an "I guess" it was a "yes". All I could do was sit there and take it all in. What was I supposed to do with this information? Was I supposed to get mad at the girl? Was I supposed to be mad at myself for sharing information with her? Information that might have fueled her secret love toward him? Was I supposed to run and tell him not to be friends with her or to watch his back?

No.

I sat and listened to her. Why? Like I said earlier, I don't have a boyfriend. I don't own anybody. Now if I were married to this guy, it would have been a totally different conversation. But that day, I just listened. I wanted her to be able to get her feelings out. It seemed as though she had been wanting to tell me that for some time. Then she asked me, "are you mad at me?" I sat for a second and thought about it. I wasn't mad. I really wasn't. It was actually funny to me. Of course she loved him, why not? Doesn't she have a right to love whoever she wants? He's not committed to anyone (that I know of).

I finally told her that I wasn't mad at her. I'm not sure she believed me. I told her that it was understandable considering the type of person that he is(read that disclaimer again). I also told her that we probably weren't the only two people that felt that way about him. That made her laugh, but I didn't mean it as a joke. We're not. I know it.

Anyway, I also told her that I was fine with however she felt, but that I wouldn't share anymore private information with her concerning him because she said it made her feel uncomfortable. And then I told her what I felt was the most important statement of the whole conversation, "I'm not threatened by you." Now I didn't mean this as harsh as it comes across in this blog, but I'm not. It's not that I think I'm prettier than her or that she doesn't have anything to offer. I'm just not threatened by her(or anyone else). I may not end up with this guy, but I know that it was not because I'm not a good woman - it would be because he didn't see/appreciate how good of a woman I am.

So...are we still friends? Sure, why not? What's love got to do with it?

Vintage Me >.<

I need you now

Not a second
Or another minute
Not an hour or another day
but at this moment with my arms out stretched
I need you to make a way
As you have done so many times before
Through window or an open door
I stretch my hands to thee
Come rescue me
I need you right away

Remember the guy in the previous post? The guy that is sometimes my friend, but we're not dating? That guy? This is such a sensitive subject because I'm so torn with how I feel for him.

Do I love him? Without a doubt.
Do I care for him? Without a doubt.
Am I there for him? Without a doubt.

Now...let's flip those questions and you'll begin to see my confusion.

Does he love me? I have no idea.
Does he care for me? I think so.
Is he there for me? No.

WTF? right...why would I continue to sit and wait for someone who is not there for me? Why isn't he there for me anymore? I honestly don't know. Is it because I depend on him too much, maybe. But I have a feeling deep inside that him not being there for me doesn't have anything to do with me. I feel like he struggles with giving his attention to more than one thing at a time. If there are more things going on is his life - he can't be everywhere at one time. Whichever seems most needy at the time, wins. It's as simple as that.

When I was going through my separation and my divorce - I was the most needy at the time so I got a lot of his attention. Once I became stable, I didn't need his support as much. What he didn't/doesn't realize is that I'm not looking for his support anymore. Yes, in the past he made those days and nights easier for me -- that's not what I'm looking for now. Maybe he realizes that he doesn't want to offer that to me, but doesn't know how to say it to me. I don't know.

This whole thing is not about a relationship. It's not about being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. I've said this before, and I'll say it again...it's about being a friend and being good to someone. People deserve respect. I deserve way more than I'm getting now. Just from a friend standpoint.

Now I know that things over the last year have not been easy for him. I know that. I don't know everything that he's been through. Nor do I want to know. I know that's he's changed and I know that he's changing. I feel that I've been shutout. Today at church, pastor said that when you shut people out of your life it's because you feel helpless. I think he was absolutely right about that. Some people would argue that there are times that you only need God, and that is true, but to shut people out and not even say why, is a feeling of helpless. There are times when people need to verbalize, I just want to be left alone or I need some time to myself instead of just turning off the phone for weeks at a time and not responding to people.

There is a difference in needing some alone time and being flat out rude to people.

So what happens from this point on? Who knows? Will I mention this to him or will I allow my blog to speak for itself considering I know that he reads it? I'll mention it to him because I don't want to hide behind my blog and there is a lot more to say than to write.

Vintage Me >.<