The long journey of weight loss

For a lot of women, weight is a very serious issue. Everyday women all over the world wonder about their weight and how to either lose it or maintain it. I'm one of these women.

I've struggled with weight most of my life. I've either lost it or gained it because of whatever situation was going on. I've gained the most weight recently because I've had two children and I've gone through a bout of depression.

Food, for me, has always been a source of happiness and eventually a sort of obsession. When I was depressed or bored - I turned to food. There were times that I would wake up in the middle of the night and stand in front of the fridge or in the pantry; looking for something to snack on, to take the pain away. It sounds crazy, and it is. I found myself eating constantly. It was spiraling out of control. Before I knew it, I had reached the most I had ever weighed in my entire life. More than when I was pregnant with either of my children. This was ridiculous!!

Let me make a disclaimer. I am in no way a 'big girl'. I don't have to shop in the plus size. I am simply a lot more than I'd like to weigh. I don't like the way that I look. It's not that I think I'm ugly, its just that I don't like the way I look. I'm not happy with how I look in my clothes. Let me make another disclaimer. I do not feel this way because someone has made me feel bad about my weight or that someone told me to lose weight. I'm doing this for myself - no one else.

I've tried diets before. I've tried "eating right, and cutting back on snacks". It never lasted. I would last maybe a week at a time. It got so bad, that I would go on these sort of binges because I had been restricting myself from foods. I never lost any weight on these diets because I was starving myself of the foods that were good for me, and the foods that I loved.

I remember the day that I hit my bottom, so to speak. I was at work and we were having one of our famous lunches honoring a co-worker who had just been given a coworker. We brought in catered lunch from Garibaldi's. It was grilled chicken, pasta with alfredo sauce, salad and cake. I remember standing in line waiting and getting so excited about the lunch. I filled my plate with a modest piece of chicken, pasta and some salad and went to my desk. I started with the pasta - it was fantastic! I don't think I've ever had pasta that good (and I don't like alfredo sauce). I ate it so quickly and found myself headed back for seconds - just for the pasta. When I brought my second plate of pasta back to my desk, I began to eat again. Someone walked by and said, "wow, melody! you always have food on your desk!" I just kept eating. Then it happened. A co-worker said, hey...they just cut the cake! Of course I had to get some cake(didn't want all the chocolate to go first!!) When I sat back down with my prized piece of cake, I took a look at my desk. It was covered in plates of food. My desk looked like there were three people eating instead of just one. I looked like a pig!! I got sick to my stomach. I just want to cry - I couldn't beleive how much food I had. I was ashamed that all of this food belonged to me.

This was it. I had do something about this. This was officially my last straw. Now, I did eat all of that food, but as my last meal. My last glutenous-filled meal. The problem to begin with was that I wasn't really hungry - I was eating because it was there. I called a friend of mine and broke down to her about what happened. I told her that I wanted to make a change and I needed help. She was basically going through the same thing. We talked about it and ended up with the same solution - Weight Watchers.

We both knew people that this had worked for and decided that we'd give it a try and that we would do it together. The following Monday, we took our lunch break and went to the closest weight watchers meeting location. Looking for information - looking for help. When we got there, they were really helpful and friendly. We decided to join and they weighed us, right then!!! The way its setup is that the scales are on one side of the counter - and you can't see them. I was so nervous and then shocked when she told me the number. I was really depressed. We received our booklets and went into the meeting. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was a little "Hello, my name is Melody and I'm addicted to food."

We learned the program and started that day. I write down everything that I eat. Here is how the program works:
- based on your current weight, your alloted so may points per day
- every food has a point valuse assigned to it; from bread to apples to a Big Mac
- keep a food diary of the food that you eat and track your points
- there are weekly "flex points" for those time that you may exceeed your daily points
- once a week, you weigh in and attend the meetings

It's really simple, actually. I can eat whatever I want, everything has a point value. The worst part in all of this is some of the feedback that I received from some people. I've heard everything from "you have to pay for someone to tell you what's common sense?" "if you'd just excercise, you wouldn't need this" "it's not going to work, because weight watchers is a sham" All of these comments really hurt - this was already difficult and this was adding doubt to it. But you know what? I chose to take what everyone was saying as fuel to the fire. This was going to push me even harder - to prove it to myself and to them, too.

Here are my results going into week 4:

Week 1 - weight 160.2
Week 2 - weight 156.6, down 3.6lbs
Week 3 - weight 154.0, down 2.6lbs

I'll keep you posted on how well I'm doing. I have a personal target, that I'm well on my way to reaching!!!!

Summer Cleaning

Some people do a massive spring cleaning of their houses. This is a time that they throw out useless papers, give clothes to places like Goodwill and even move furniture around, so that they kindof give a 'new' look to something they've had for a while.

I guess you could say that I'm doing the same thing. I've begun eating better, excercise and surrounding myself with people that will only make my life better, not worse. I cannot continue to surround myself that have ulterior motives for me and my life. Let me explain, I have friends in my life who have always been there for me, supporting me in my trials and tribulations and being there with me when things are good. There are other people that criticize me and do not support me in my endeavors and haven't really been there for me like a friend should be. If you're reading this and you're my friend, you should know which category you fit it. It's not difficult.

I want to have a happy life and I want the same for the people that I love. We're entering a season of prosperity and growth. We will begin to see things change for the better, because we're going to begin to make things happen for us. Instead of sitting around waiting for things to happen, we're going to be in the midst of stuff creating it for ourselves.

Times, they are a-changing. It's time for me to become more aggressive with my life and the direction that it's going. I need to make choices that are going to benefit me and my children. It's time.

Writer's block cure?

It's monday and I've had writer's block for a while now. I'll start a post and then just go blank right in the middle of it and I can't finish it. I may have too many random thoughts going at once. I'm going to do what my 10th grade teacher had us do to get our thought process back on track. I'm going to attempt to write a blog using stream of consciousness. Now...I will go back and edit some language and names later.

Here goes:
okay my kids still aren't sleep i don' t know why. i hope andrew stays dry tonight he;s got to get out of pull ups at some point, now is a good time. i'm really bored and drinking all this water makes me have to pee alot. what did i do? i've always been there but lately he won't talk to me, but i don't know why. i think its a bunch of bullshit and i don't like cowards if somebody has something to say to me then thay should just say it. i don't like people beating around the bush because i'm worth more than that. i at least deserve the truth instead of being left in the fucking dark. that shit was just rude bottom line. i don't care what i did or didn't do, i never deserved that. this show is stupid but theres nothing on. at least i don't feel like eating thank goodness for those 3 lbs lost can't wait to see how much i lost this week, i've done so much better than i thought i would. my head is starting to hurt and i can't think of anything else. i hope the people upstairs don't start fighting again i can't take hearing that scream again, i don't know what i would do. i'd have to check into a hotel so the boys can sleep. sleep - i think they're asleep. why haven't i been able to sleep lately? i don't know i think its because i cut out my caffeine and its taking time to work out of my system. i feel like i'm in rehab and i'm going through withdrawal - actually from a lot of things. from late night talks and laying in the bed watching tv. i guess at some point i'll get used to it, but i don't want to. its hard having questions and no answers. i don't think i feel like writing anymore.