I don't know why I can't stay focused on writing. I used to write so frequently...alas, the excuses of life have kept me away.
Seems like I'm always posting some update to my life and where I am on this journey. So here goes. Hold on...there's a lot to say.
Umm..so, yeah...in previous posts, I've mentioned my ex-husband and how we've been on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again. I think the last time I mentioned him, we went through counseling and were able to resolve old issues and become really good friends, which is still totally true. Thing is...we're back together. No surprise there, huh? LOL!!
This time, things are completely different, which is a good thing. This man, has been there for me through thick and thin. No matter what. And I'm a pretty difficult person to be around at times. We knew that we'd remain friends no matter what, and focus on what the children needed from us no matter what. That part remained true since our divorce.
But then, my grandmother died. And my world fell apart in one day, one moment, one instance. During this time, I still cared for another person, but was transitioning away from them. I still cared for my ex-husband (that never went away). When I got the news of my grandmother passing, my ex-husband was one of my very first frantic phone calls. I instictinly knew he would know what to do. I lost all concept of reality, time and responsibility for a few hours and during that time...he was right there.
I'm sure I was a complete mess (he has validated that for me over time), but during that time, he was just what I needed. He jumped in, grabbed the boys, rearranged his schedule without me asking him and provided the support that I needed. Now what happened next is what changed my heart.
Funeral - blur...except for the hilarious ramblings of my eldest cousin.
Burial - tear stained blur. Easily one of the worst moments of my life. None of this "joy" people talk of as their loved one is lowered into the ground and closure happens. This didn't happen for me. I remember wanting it to stop, for them not to lower her casket into the ground, wanting to kiss her cheek one more time, wanting to hold her hand one more time, wanting to hear her laugh, cuss, yell, fuss....anything. I wanted more time with her. I wasn't ready to leave. I didn't want to leave her side.
Here comes the change - I remember not being able to walk, not being able to move, dry heaving (it wasn't pretty...but I didn't care). Someone helped me to my feet, cradled me in their arms and helped me walk to the limo. Sitting down in the car, I looked up expecting to see my father. It felt like I was with my father, I wouldn't have been that comfortable with anyone else. I was wrong, it was my ex-husband.
Let me back up...my father means the world to me. I love my father like a little girl is supposed to love her father. I'm the "daddy's girl" you read about. So, for me to be with someone that is taking care of me in only a way that a father could...that's HUGE.
Going back to my father's house, he let me sleep. He laid with me as I slept to make sure that I was taken care of.
This is something that only someone who loves you unconditionally can do. And it was like a lightbulb went off. I didn't want to react too quickly to this. Part of me really wanted to believe it, but the other part was so skeptical and didn't want to make decisions based on emotional moments. So I decided that I wasn't going to tell anyone about what happened and what I was thinking. I was going to wait and see what developed.
Over several months, we went on a few dates. Nothing fancy. Just spent time together, with and without the kids. I knew I needed to see if anything more than a friendship was there. And slowly, it was...his charm and charisma was winning me over (again).
I remember we were headed to a cold Tigers game and I decided that was the time to tell him that I had been thinking about us getting back together. He tried so hard to act so nonchalant about what I was saying. I don't think he gave me any type of reaction for a couple of days. Next thing I knew, we were spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years together and making plans for us to combine our households into one house again.
Things happen quick with us, they always have. However, this time I don't feel rushed. I know I have the rest of my life to spend with my best friend. Our kids were so happy to hear the news, as well as our famly and most of our friends. Everyday that I wake up next to him, knowing that our family is whole is a day that is a marvelous day that could only be orchestrated by God.
God is amazing and is in total control of our lives. I thank God everyday for guiding us to follow his word and to believe in our family and that all could be well through Him.
I look forward to the future of us. Hopefully soon I'll be able to formally announce the worst kept secret ever!
Soon to be...
vintageMelody >.<
