Whatcha gonna do?

Am I mad?
Some people would say, "you've got to be mad, you took the time to type this shit up"
I'm not mad, it doesn't help to be mad if no one cares.
If someone hurts you, and they don't care...do they really care about you?
Probably not.

So, whatcha gonna do?

This Christmas

This is a Christmas of firsts for me and my family. This is the first Christmas in my fathers’ new house. This is the first year that my oldest knows who Santa is and what is supposed to happen on Christmas morning. I am looking forward to Christmas morning, just to see the look on my children’s faces when they see their new toys. Also to see the look on my fathers’ face as he watches him open their gifts. He’s gone through sort of a transformation over the years. He was once the strict disciplinarian, now when he’s around his grandchildren, he’s this soft push-over that gives in to their every wish. In a way it’s odd….I wish he had been more care-free with me and my sister, but we don’t know everything that he was going through when we were younger.

I have a few Christmas wishes that I’d like Santa to leave for me and the people that I love the most. I wish for peace and prosperity. I wish for understanding and wisdom. I wish for happiness and love. I wish for forgiveness and serenity. I wish for laughter and joy. I wish for dreams to come true. I wish for everyone in my life to spend each day to the fullest and to never let anyone steal their joy. During this time of year, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the superficial aspect of Christmas – new sweaters, watches, shoes, DVD players, and toys – but those don’t mean anything if you’re not truly happy within. I’m sure we can all think of things that we all would want, but what do we really need? Spending time with your children, time with your family and friends; talking and laughing about old times that were shared are some of my favorite things to do.

I encourage everyone to take time this Holiday season to tell people how you really feel to have them in your life. So many times people never know how much they mean to someone else or how they’ve impacted your life.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

OM

Tonight I went to my first Yoga class thanks to a very good friend. I had heard from other people and even a doctor that Yoga was a perfect way to reduce stress, and Lord knows I need it! The class was held at Midtown Yoga. I arrived before my friend, because she’ll be late for her funeral! Anyway, the teacher of the class introduced me and got me set-up with a mat and some foam bricks. All I could think was, “What the hell are the bricks for?” (they were used for stability)

The class started and we began with meditation, and light stretching. We began to slowly get into poses. They were difficult, but onceachievedved the pose, I could feel myself opening. It was beautiful. All the negative thoughts I had were leaving me, all the crap from the day, all the hard emotional B.S. wdisappearinging. My breathing became more regular and by the end of the class I felt so much better.

Once I got home, I felt I needed to look up the meaning of Om, this is what I found: Om is a mantra, or vibration, that is traditionally chanted at the beginning and end of yoga sessions. It is said to be the sound of the universe. At first I felt a little funny saying this along with everyone, but eventually it didn't bother me and it actually gave me some peace.

I really loved the class, and I can't wait to go back. I just feel so peaceful, anything that makes me feel this peaceful has got to be good for me.

Namaste

You can help

While reading this weekend, I came across this passage in a book that dealt with abuse. One statement read, "the limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else...if someone else abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."

As a survivor of domestic violence (a past boyfriend), this was a total eye-opener to me. I had dealt with the thought of low self-esteem, but I had never thought of having a low self-esteem and beating yourself up of minor things - I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough - as being a form of self-abuse. At some point a person needs to wake up and say, "I'm not perfect...I am going to accept myself the way I am." Once you can learn to accept yourself, you're ready for other people to accept you.

Here are some Dating Domestic Violence Facts:
- Women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rates of domestic violence
- 70% of teenage and college women who are sexually assaulted, are raped during the course of a date
- 53% of victims of domestic violence were abused by a current or former boyfriend or girlfriend
- Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship report that their boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm when presented with a breakup

If you or someone you know is a victim of dating violence and wants help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.

Gobble, Gobble?

Okay, so Thanksgiving is one of the ultimate food holidays, right? You expect to be so full that you can't move.....right? That's what I expect every year. This year, however was a totally different story. I spent the day at my father's house this year, I wasn't in the mood to have people at my apartment. Anyway, my father asked me to bring some sweet potato pies - one of the few things that I can make from scratch. He said that he and his wife would be taking care of everything else; the ham, turkey, greens, etc...

I get there early with my three sweet potato pies in tow and walk in the kitchen and all I smell is greens cooking on the stove. My stepmother said that the turkey was done and that the ham was in the refridgerator - huh?! She bought a ham this year and it's been in the fridge since Tuesday. Not a good sign.

So we're sitting and waiting for everyone to finally get to the house. I arrived at 11am, we didn't eat until 2pm. I was starving! She put out appetizers which consisted of a handful of cheese squares and about 6 kosher dill pickles cut in cubes on a tray; a jar of salsa con queso heated in the microwave next to a bag of tortilla chips, and some little smokies. Yet, another bad sign.

We finally bless the food and literally line up to fix our plates. I'm waiting in line and this is what I ended up with:
some ham (okay, I got a lot of ham - I later found out that this was a wise move)
some potato salad(store bought)
passed on the chitlin's
should have thought twice on the greens
a big spoonful of mac-n-cheese
skipped the noodle-spinach-tomato thing
skipped the meatless lasagna
skipped the dressing(it had mushrooms on top - seriously!)
got one of the hardest rolls I have ever seen in my life and made my way to the table.

As I was walking to the table, I was thinking, "where are the green beans, corn, cornbread and spaghetti?" How do you have a Thanksgiving dinner without these staple items? So I try to overlook this and concentrate on my plate. The ham was good, the potato salad was a little runny, but okay. The greens.....oh, the greens......where can I start? They tasted like they were from a can, not the Glory kind that some people like, but an off brand of canned turnip greens. The only way I can describe them is fake. I think they were a lettuce that was trying to pass itself as turnip greens. Needless to say, I didn't eat them all. Mac-n-cheese was a little questionable, but edible. The roll was just on my plate for decoration.

On to dessert. There were the sweet potato pies that I made, two pumpkin pies, a sugar-free pie thing(I wasn't touching that), a red velvet cake and a store bought lemon pie. Where the hell was the chocolate??? No brownies, no devil's food cake, nothing......

I am so hungry. You're not supposed to be hungry on Thanksgiving. If anybody feels like bringing me a plate of a real Thanksgiving meal, let me know and I'll give you directions.

**UPDATE***
My sister is my dawg......she felt my pain. I had to post what she sent me.

What I'm Thankful For...

Think back to elementary school when you had to stand in front of the class and tell what you were thankful for. This time of year has me pondering what I'm thankful for. A lot has happened in my life this year, at one point I probably wouldn't have been able to think of anything. Here's my list(in no particular order):

I am thankful for
Jesus Christ, who is my strength
Andrew Jr. - my little helper, I'm so proud of him
Christopher - my little bully- his smile just brightens my day
Theresa - You are one of the funniest people that I know, you need your own comedy hour
Drew - We've been through so much lately; I'm thankful for all of the good times we had
Harry - You've helped me realize that I am stronger than I ever thought I was
Susan - You've always been there for me, even when I was wrong
Paige & Jennifer - You keep me from quitting :)
Mom - I'm thankful that you've supported me in everything I've done
Khayree - Your honesty and your humor have always been your strong points - I'm thankful that we've been friends since '93

I'm also thankful that I've got a wonderful apartment, no car note and a job that I can go to everyday. I'm thankful that each day is a new day with new challenges. I'm thankful that even though times are hard right now, things are a changin'. I'm thankful that I know nothing is going to stop me from being happy.

I'm thankful for everyone in my life, I love each and every one of them, and I can't imagine my life without them.

I'm thankful for each of you, not just this Thanksgiving, but everyday.

Were they all bad?

Not all relationships are bad.
Not all bad relationships are entirely bad.

That being said, I've been in my share of good and bad relationships. I've been in relationships where there was nothing fundamentally wrong, we just didn't click. I've been in relationships where we were both really selfish and stubborn. I've also been in abusive relationships. One can read all of that and ask, "Was it all bad?" No, it wasn't. "So, what were some of the good aspects of past relationships?"

These are my thoughts (some are about the same person - I haven't had relationships with that many people):

- One made the best late-night sandwiches :)
- One taught me how to play Mortal Kombat(get over here!)
- Two shared my passion for music
- One would get restless and like to drive around the city and talk for hours (this was obviously before the gas prices went through the roof)
- One would rub my back when I couldn't sleep
- One helped me through the death of my grandmother
- One helped me through a situation that could have taken my life
- One wasn't intimidated by my father
- One helped me to become more outgoing
- One made me realize that I like to host parties
- One helped me realize who my real friends are
- One taught me how to make Apple Martini's
- One helped me realize that I'm not always right
- One helped me realize that I'm funny
- One gave me the most precious gifts that I never knew I wanted
- One made me feel like a Queen on my 21st birthday

Looking back on some of the relationships, there are some that once they were over, I was relieved. There were others that I was regretful. There were some that it took time to get over them. Every relationship - good or bad - can teach you things; things to help for the next relationship.

What have I learned from the past to help with the future?
1. Don't ever be afraid to say NO
2. Stand up for what you believe in
3. Do not expect people to be mind-readers; say what you want
4. An argument is not the end of the world; resolve it and move on
5. Don't give in all the time
6. Spice things up from time to time - monotony is boring
7. Don't spend every waking minute with them - have your own life
8. Don't get your feelings hurt if he doesn't like the sweater you just bought
9. You don't have to love what he loves - but support him on it
10. Don't change what you like because he doesn't like it
11. Don't always expect him to drive
12. Just because he's not talking doesn't mean he's mad

Life is a lesson - pay attention, take notes; you never know when there's a test!

What about the next dude?

I was recently asked the question, "What are you looking for in a man?" This is not an easy question to answer if you've been through a string of bad relationships. It's obvious that you don't want somebody like the yahoo before :) You want a good man, but what defines a good man? Here is my list of qualifications (in no particular order):

- Single
- Faithful (to me and to himself)
- Loyal
- Literate(reads for sheer enjoyment, for educating purposes, reads to children)
- Sound(mentally)
- Intelligent but not arrogant
- Considerate
- Strong (emotionally, spiritually, mentally)
- Fun
- Honest with his feelings, thoughts and desires
- Responsible
- Emotionally available
- Eager to learn new things and new ways to do old things
- Rich in spirtiual beliefs
- Employed
- Confidant
- Sensitive and gentle, but not a pushover
- Articulate

Some people think of a good man as the man who will ride in on a white horse and climb to the tallest tower to rescue you, in a sense that's what some women are looking for; someone to rescue them. I do not want anybody to rescue me, I want someone who will go through the fire with me. Someone who is willing to stand by my side in good and bad. Someone who will call me on my shit, but never degrading. Someone who'll let me pick the movie from time to time. Someone who knows how to be sexy. Someone who'll make the biscuits because he knows I'll burn them. Someone who'll surprise me with a homecooked meal. Someone whose not afraid to make a pallet on the floor and fall asleep watching movies with me. Someone who loves his family, whether they are disfunctional or not. Someone who loves music. Someone who will never put his hands on a woman.

I read somewhere that the search for a good man begins with yourself. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, prayer, meditation on the premise of Am I a good woman? There were many times in relationships that I was told that I wasn't good enough. Sometimes it was subtle, "Why don't you grow your hair?, Why don't you wear more skirts?, Why don't you wear make-up everyday?" Sometimes it was very direct, "You know you're not really my type." It's hard to be there for someone and try to accept their faults, but to have them constantly throw yours in your face. I struggle because I have been in abusive(mentally, physically, emotionally) relationships before, I don't want to find myself in another one.

I know that a good man is out there for me, we just haven't found each other yet.

Prayers of a 3-year old

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

May angels watch me through the night

And keep them in thy blessed sight

My 3-year old knows his prayers and says them most nights. Recently, he's been adding the line, "God bless..." and then he names all of the people that he wants God to watch over. What struck me was the innocence he displayed, he named people that really mean something to him. He mentioned mommy, daddy and his brother, but he also mentioned his Gramps, Grandmama, Granny, Aunties, cousins.

While he's mentioning the people in his family, you could see his thought process. He mentioned his teacher Miss Lynn, Jennie - the neighbor down the street, and people that he encounters frequently - Mark and Paige, Miss Dawn, Uncle Harry and Mister Cory.

It takes a child to make you reflect on who you would ask God to bless. He never thought about who has wronged him, who has made him cry, who he likes today. He just asked for God to bless everyone in his life. It was kind of poetic, listening to this child rattle off names of everyone who was important to him.

I'll include all of those people in my prayers tonight because I know that all of those people are important one way or another in my child's life. If they are important enough for my son to include in his - I can include them in mine. I want God to continue to bless all of the people that my son thinks are important along with all of the people I think are important.

There are time when you have to take a step back and listen. Sometimes its the smallest voice that can make the loudest impact on you.

God bless everyone who reads this.

Does a bear s%*t in the woods?

I have no idea if bears do or not, but I know I don't. I survived two nights at Natchez Trace State park.
We drove up on Friday night and set up camp(in the dark). Once we got the tent set up, we made a fire and sat around and drank and talked for about two hours. Our campsite had a bathhouse, which ordinarily is a good thing - this time it wasn't, because it was out of order. Unless we wanted to pee in the woods(I was not comfortable with that) we had to walk through this trail to the nearest bathroom - it took about 5-6 minutes to walk it.

We went to sleep the first night - I haven't slept that soundly in months. Woke up the next morning around 8am, and had some cereal and coffee - some things I am not willing to compromise. Saturday was a good day, I went fishing for the first time. This is what I learned about my fishing skills:

I cast really well - I think it has something to do with my long arms

I am not patient enough to leave the line in the water longer than 2 minutes

Seeing a caught fish flopping around on the bank creeps me out

I had/have no intention of eating anything I caught

I am really good at catching the brush and having to cut the line :)

We fished around an two hours. I really worked up an appetite - back to the campsite for sandwiches. One thing that no one liked about our campsite is that we shared it with yellowjackets. The only time that we didn't notice the yellowjackets is when it was dark. During the day, the bugged(ha) the hell out of us.

After lunch, I came down with a case of niggeritis - it was time to lay it down. I took a nap for about two hours. In that time, I missed canoeing on the lake. I'm not sure I missed much because everybody came back really sore - while I was well rested.

Saturday night, we made chili and had frito-pies and chili-dogs. Talked forever and made s'mores - I had enough chocolate and marshmallows to last me until next fall. We turned it in about 9:30. Around 3am, it started to storm. We didn't get wet, but imagine sleeping outside listening to the rain for two hours - what do you think was going to happen? I had to pee so bad, I thought I was going to start crying because of the pain. I had two options: 1. hold out for the rain to stop, or 2. fight through the storm to go to the bathroom. Which option do you think I took? Consider the fact that I can't just wash my hair and go? That's right, I waited it out.

This had to have been one of the hardest things I had to do. By the time the rain stopped, I was hurting so bad, I couldn't bend over to tie my shoes. As me and my friend Jennifer started to head toward the bathroom, I realized that I wasn't going to make it. Yep, I had to pee in the woods!! All I could think of was that I was going to either pee down my leg or pee on my shoes. At this point, I don't think I cared. I found the perfect tree to lean against and let go - I didn't think I was going to stop. I looked down and noticed a spider at my foot - it looked like he was watching. In all of the woods, I had to pee near a perverted spider - it figures!!

Anyway, I survived that and made it back to camp and went back to sleep. We woke up around 7:30, ate a light breakfast, and packed up everything to head home. In all, I think it was great. Camping is a good way to get refreshed and get grounded again. There were no cellphones - no reception; no tv, no radio, no internet. I brought my journal, got some good thoughts down. Able to think a lot of things clear, really take time to myself. My head is really clear now.

This was a good trip.

The Great Outdoors

This weekend I'll be going camping.......I'll let you know how it was. Hopefully, I won't get attacked by a deer or something.

Bring on the s'mores!!

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

taken from John Legend, :solo sessions, vol. 1: live at the knitting factory

Baby, do you understand me now

And though sometimes you see that I am mad

No one can always be an angel

When everything goes wrong you'll see some bad

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Sometimes I'm so carefree

With a joy that's hard to hide

Most of the time I'm so full of worry

And then you're bound to see my other side

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy, I want you to know

I never mean to take it out on you, no

Life has it's problems and I've got more than my share

And that's one thing I never want to do...'cause I love you baby

I'm just human

I have thoughts like any one

Sometimes I think I'll spend the rest of my life regretting

Some simple thing that I have done

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Complicated Simplicity

I have a tendency to want things to be very black and white. It's either on or off, hot or cold, yes or no. Could this be from my upbringing? Living with a father who brought his military life home? Things with him are simple. They either are or they're not. There is no gray with him. If you say you're going to do something, do it; there's not a lot of discussion on why.

I see myself now doing the same thing that he does. There are times when this is a good thing, however there are times when your life needs to have a certain level of complicity. There are times when being simple can cause more problems for a person.

I am learning to be a little more complicated, but be patient; it's not that simple for me.

Happy Halloween

Had a halloween party....don't remember that much of it......had a fantastic time!!!

This is me as "Fifi" the French Maid

Into my subconscious

Do you really want to go there? Hell, I don't even want to go there. So, now you're reading into my subconscious? I don't think you're really ready for what you would find there.....

Do I care who reads this? Not really(you know I mean it).
Do I think about you? yes
Do I think about you more than I would like to admit? yes
Am I scared? out of my mind
Do I know what I want? yes
Am I happy when I think about you? yes
Are you in my dreams? yes
Will I admit this to you? not yet ;)
Is this a big deal? not to me
What am I afraid of? that you'll know how I feel, and not feel the same way
Is this about you? YES
Is this too much for you?

I feel silly....it's late....I have no one else to talk to

This said something else before I changed it.

Better to be a smart-ass, than a dumb-ass!

Little things about me:

* I can't moonwalk...(trust me, I've tried - ask my sister)
* I can drop-it-like-it's-hot!!
* I can mimic a bird's whistle
* I used to play the french horn in high school and I still own one
* I cannot swim. However, I can keep myself from drowning
* I don't like polka-dots - they freak me out
* I love to sing in the car - Album release party soon!
* I make the best potato salad
* I scare easily
* I love to read....anything. Novels, magazines(even the gossip ones!), newspapers, you name it
* I hate being bored
* I love to go out to eat
* I am a food-tv fanatic
* I'd love to take a cooking class
* I collect extra-cheesy shot glasses (the cheesier, the better)
* I really don't give a shit :) (I put that on there for you)
* No, really....I don't
* I've always been a smart-ass(Like my grandmother says "better to be a smart-ass, then a dumb-ass!")
* I love "Best Week Ever" on VH1
* This time in my life is so exciting because I don't know what to expect
* I haven't been this happy in a long time (if this comment bothers you, it should)
* I need to workout
* I will when I get home
* I'd rather do something else
* I secretly can't wait to love again
* I get taken too seriously sometimes
* I think it's funny

The way you make me feel

How I've missed you

There are times when I secretly think of you

wishing I could steal away five minutes

wishing that no one would interrupt

wishing that I was able to give everything to you

There are days when I miss you so terribly

days when I just want to hold you

There are so many times when I wish

there were just me and you

and I was able to be myself and not

worry what anyone else thought

Just to give you my heart and soul and

know that you wouldn't ask for anything more

You know me better than anyone else, don't you?

No matter what happens in life, I know

I'll always have you...my journal

Arrghhhh!!!!!

Don't you just hate folding a fitted sheet?

One of my most favorite songs...heard it today....took me back

I just love this song.....I heard it today and had to go find the lyrics......here they are enjoy.

Seal

Love's Divine

Then the rainstorm came, over me

And I felt my spirit break

I had lost all of my, belief you see

And realized my mistake

But time threw a prayer, to me

And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary

And I felt my spirit fly

I had found all of my reality

I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)

Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake

'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong

But inside I felt me lying all along

But the message here was plain to see

Believe me

'Cause I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)

Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake

'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

This topic changed like 12 times

I must have changed this topic 12 times......you have no idea the crap that I've written. I've erased them because, well.....some of them were too personal to post. I always worry about some of the things that I post and whether people that I know will read them and interpret them the wrong way. Usually, the only person that really gets me is my sister. She knows the pain that I've experienced, the happiness and the confusion that goes along with this thing called life. She has no idea how much I love her(I do, sissy!!)

Anyway........time to stop the tears. I can be such a cry-baby sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I've got tears on reserve, just waiting for their time to shine:)

In the midst of creation

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw

The Art of Cooking

Have you ever just sat back and watched someone cook? Someone who really enjoys cooking? You can see their genius at work. There's something very powerful about someone cooking. The quality of the meal depends on the imagination of the creator. I'm talking about someone who take whatever's available and create a masterpiece.

A recipe isn't needed, just a passion and and a desire to create something that can cause a person to have flashbacks while they're eating.

Have you ever taken a bite of food and it took you to a place that you hadn't been? A time that has passed? That's how you know that whoever cooked for you, whether it was a parent, a friend, a professional cook, or even a lover; had a passion for what they were doing.

My hope for everyone who reads this is that you experience a passionate cook at least once in your life.

Bon appetite

Random thoughts on a sunday night, while watching the Fresh Prince

Alright.....what's going on? Some things in my life are coming to an end, while other journeys are about to begin. These are hard times and things will get better. I have good friends that are always there for me, my children love me and I love them. The sounds of them laughing and playing always brighten my day. I don't know what I'd do without my children...they are non-stop action, but when they are away, I miss them terribly.

Anyway, how do you say how you feel, without saying it and embarrassing someone?

Here goes.

I don't want you to think that because of what you did, it will scar me forever. I am angry, however, I will get passed this and move on. Remember, "until you do right by me..." What goes around, comes around. If you think this is about you, then it probably is.

When will things get better? I don't have that answer, I just know that I've got to make changes in my life so that I won't struggle for too much longer. Those changes will be hard, but I know I can do it. I'm a strong person and I have to remain strong and not let people get to me.

I've been running too long

(excerpt - John Legend "Motherless Child")

Whose got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don't know why
Cry for help, but I still feel alone
Like a motherless child along way from home

Lord I'm lost I can't find my way
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I've been running too long
I've been running too long...
I've been running too long like a motherless child
So lost and so alone

Like a motherless child

4, 5, I don't know...

Have you ever felt like you knew exactly what you wanted to say, but you were afraid that the right person was going to hear it? Have you ever wished that you knew a secret language or had some type of inside joke that only you and another person knew, so that no matter how much time passes, it's still funny? Have you ever wondered that you were going to run out of words? Have you ever wanted to cry in the middle of the night? Have you ever been able to sit across from someone and have a complete conversation without saying anything? Have you ever wished that you could trade places with someone? Have you ever been able to be yourself? Have you ever?

I have.

Thank you to all of those people that helped me with all of my "evers'" I'd like to call names, but I'm afraid I may embarrass some people(chipmunk, baby drew and cj, humble1, popcorn, platinum, and Him)

Know this and believe it....... I LOVE YOU.

yours truly,
cris, mommie, tenda, Z, melody

So High, part 2

I GOT TO MEET JOHN LEGEND!!!!!!!!!



Concert was fantastic (even if one of the ushers told me to sit down because people behind me couldn't see). Lyfe Jennings put on a good show, but John turned it out. Yes, we are on a first name basis :) Me, Susan and Kat bought tickets to the afterparty at the Plush and went and waited. For a while, I thought, "he's not gonna show up". We were up in VIP waiting and waiting when the DJ said, "John Legend's in the house" He was downstairs signing autographs and taking pictures. I tried my best not to seem like a groupie (even though I am secretly) while I attempted to walk downstairs like I didn't care. The line wasn't long and he signed my ticket and thanked me for coming to the show. He gave me a hug and took a picture with me. I thought I was going to pass out. I was just hoping that when I got my pictures back, I wasn't going to have my eyes closed or anything retarded.

I hope everyone that went to the show enjoyed it.

Calling Darius Lovehall

Ok.....so the other night, Love Jones was on (one of my favorite movies......"Masterpiece of Minimalism") *anyway* It made me wonder, where in the HELL is Larenz Tate?? I know he was a young Qunicy Jones in the movie Ray, but where has he been? Biker Boyz should not count on his movie list, but can we hear from Darius Lovehall? Can he show up on Jay Leno or
on the Tom Joyner morning show to say hi? This is just my shout-out to him, to say we miss you. "I've got to admit girl you're the shit girl.....and I'm digging you like a grave. Who am I? Well, they call me Brother to the night. And right now I'm the blues in your left thigh....trying to become the funk in your right. Is that all right?"

Hustlin' and Flowin'

Can somebody tell me why I can't seem to go see Hustle and Flow in Memphis?
I mean, damn!!! I don't want to go to Peabody Place, because if I pay to see a movie, I want to see the movie...not hear the conversation in front of me while they're on their cell-phone talking to their friends in the row infront of them.

On one hand, I'm glad the people of Memphis are supporting this film.
Hopefully this will bring more films to Memphis, which means more revenue, more jobs, on and on.

On the other hand, I would hate it if the people that see this movie that are not from Memphis, have never been to Memphis and only thought of Memphis as it relates to Elvis Presley and the slaying of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr (moment of silence, please); thinks that this is all there is to Memphis. Just a bunch of Hustlers(well..there is Mayor Herenton), and Underground Rappers (no offense to any fans of Three Six and Eight Ball and MJG).

Memphis can be a great city, if we try. Sometimes I get so mad at my black people in Memphis. I mean, why do you need to take a bottle of Vodka into a movie theater? Is it that serious? Air-brushed shirts are soooooo over, why are we still wearing them. And when you go hang out on Beale St., do you have to have your entire ass out? Come on people, give me a break (give me a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar).

So High

Alright, so I got this blog-thing going, and the next step is what the hell am I supposed to write about? Do I relive each childhood memory and try to dissect each event in my life? Who knows.....Let's see.....I'm kinda at a crossroads in my life. Trying to figure who I am and who I've been for the last 20-some-odd years.

Okay, let's go with one of my more recent favorite subjects....John Legend!!!

Countdown to JL in Memphis is T-minus 10 days. I feel like the movie Brown Sugar "When did you first fall in love with Hip-Hop?" I first fell for John Legend on September 17th, 2004. My wondereful husband knew that I was totally digging Usher at the time, and he bought me tickets to see Usher and Kanye West for my birthday. We went to the concert and I really wasn't feeling Kanye West before the show. I hadn't really listened to his CD before that. We almost missed Kanye West's performance and in hindsight, I'm glad we didn't.

Kanye (i'm talking about him like I know him) performed with a keyboardist name John Legend. About halfway during Kanye's performance, he introduced a guy who was going to be releasing an album on his label - John Legend.

John moved to the center of the stage and said that he wanted to perform his first single, Used to Love You. When he started with the "holla, holla, holla" I was out of my seat. He was hitting chords that I wasn't really expecting. Now, let me explain. I do not play piano, but I have been a musician since the age of 10, playing the violin and french horn. John sounded like 'old soul'. 1960's soul, Temptations, Smokie, Motown-soul. He was infusing classic 'Marvin Gaye" R&B with some gospel. You could tell that he was brought up in church - no matter how much you train and take lessons and practice, you can't learn 'church'.

I think almost immediately, I turned to my husband and said, "mark my words, he's gonna be huge!!" Not to take away from Usher - he put on a fantastic show - I couldn't stop thinking about John Legend.

That following Monday, I searched the internet for anything John Legend. I made a mental note to buy his CD as soon as it dropped. It got pushed back to December 28th, I attempted to buy it online because the site said that it would be delivered on the 28th. I didn't get my CD until January 10th. I was so mad, but once I finally got the damn CD opened, I was cool. I listened to that CD so much, that by the middle of March, I had to buy another one.

In March, my husband and I traveled to St. Louis to see John Legend and Alicia Keys in concert. If I already wasn't in love with John Legend, I definitely was after the concert. He was great.

I found out later on that John Legend was going to launch his solo tour during the summer and that he was coming to Memphis on August 5th. I cannot wait until August 5th to see this show. I blocked out time on my work calendar to purchase my tickets online as soon as they went on sale.

I know what I'm gonna wear - I'll post pictures later.

Anyway........that's my soapbox about John Legend....."Let's Get Lifted".

Self-diagnosis, stage 1

Depression is a BITCH!! The more you read about it, the worse you think you are. Even when you think you're feeling better, one thing can happen to set you waaayyy back. The problem is that everyone wants to analyze you and figure out what started the depression, but everyone comes up with different comclusions. "It's your childhood; you moved around too much" "It's obviously post-partum, you just need an anti-depressant to take for the rest of your life" "It's just the stressors of the early years of married life, it'll settle out soon"

Between the diagnosis (both self and physician) and numerous medications, one to help concentration and one to help mood swings (yeah, right!), I kind of lost myself. I relied too heavily on other things without looking at the one constancy in my life......my father.