I need you now

Not a second
Or another minute
Not an hour or another day
but at this moment with my arms out stretched
I need you to make a way
As you have done so many times before
Through window or an open door
I stretch my hands to thee
Come rescue me
I need you right away

Remember the guy in the previous post? The guy that is sometimes my friend, but we're not dating? That guy? This is such a sensitive subject because I'm so torn with how I feel for him.

Do I love him? Without a doubt.
Do I care for him? Without a doubt.
Am I there for him? Without a doubt.

Now...let's flip those questions and you'll begin to see my confusion.

Does he love me? I have no idea.
Does he care for me? I think so.
Is he there for me? No.

WTF? right...why would I continue to sit and wait for someone who is not there for me? Why isn't he there for me anymore? I honestly don't know. Is it because I depend on him too much, maybe. But I have a feeling deep inside that him not being there for me doesn't have anything to do with me. I feel like he struggles with giving his attention to more than one thing at a time. If there are more things going on is his life - he can't be everywhere at one time. Whichever seems most needy at the time, wins. It's as simple as that.

When I was going through my separation and my divorce - I was the most needy at the time so I got a lot of his attention. Once I became stable, I didn't need his support as much. What he didn't/doesn't realize is that I'm not looking for his support anymore. Yes, in the past he made those days and nights easier for me -- that's not what I'm looking for now. Maybe he realizes that he doesn't want to offer that to me, but doesn't know how to say it to me. I don't know.

This whole thing is not about a relationship. It's not about being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. I've said this before, and I'll say it again...it's about being a friend and being good to someone. People deserve respect. I deserve way more than I'm getting now. Just from a friend standpoint.

Now I know that things over the last year have not been easy for him. I know that. I don't know everything that he's been through. Nor do I want to know. I know that's he's changed and I know that he's changing. I feel that I've been shutout. Today at church, pastor said that when you shut people out of your life it's because you feel helpless. I think he was absolutely right about that. Some people would argue that there are times that you only need God, and that is true, but to shut people out and not even say why, is a feeling of helpless. There are times when people need to verbalize, I just want to be left alone or I need some time to myself instead of just turning off the phone for weeks at a time and not responding to people.

There is a difference in needing some alone time and being flat out rude to people.

So what happens from this point on? Who knows? Will I mention this to him or will I allow my blog to speak for itself considering I know that he reads it? I'll mention it to him because I don't want to hide behind my blog and there is a lot more to say than to write.

Vintage Me >.<