A quick recap:
- uh...boyfriend of over a year is no more. he's a whole 'nother posting.....if i feel like devoting that much time to it. we'll see.
- went to counseling with ex-hubby....very theraputic, but isn't counseling supposed to be that way? Anyway, counseling really helped us resolve our old issues, but didn't really help us to be able to move forward together. The good thing is that we're in the best place we've ever been together - friends! Now, there are struggles as he wants more than I do, but we take things one day at a time and I no longer desire to push him down a ravine. Did I just say that? I didn't mean it....no, really....I didn't..
- Work...is....good. Sometimes, you just have to repeat that over and over again. Seriously, though, I love what I do but there are times that it is challenging, but anything worth it should challenge you from time to time.
- church - I'm in between church homes...this saddens me a little bit. I'll just keep praying that God shows me where I should be.
- friends - Now this should really be another post seperately and I think it will be. Stay tuned for it.
The biggest thing that happened this year was losing my grandmother; Big Mama. Even 2.5 months later, its still so hard to believe and yes, sometimes even harder to accept. This woman was my everything - even when I wanted to push her down a ravine. There goes that ravine again....hmmm.... I loved her more than anything, that is until my children were born.
She dealt with illness for years but she was so resilent and defiant that I always thought that nothing would take her out. It would have to be a nuclear winter or something. When I was younger and just learning to drive, that's when we would spend most of our time together. She loved to shop and taught me how to do it properly! Wear comfortable shoes, make sure you have plenty of time, take your time, look for sales, and lastly....enjoy yourself. She taught me my love for shoes, pretty dresses and accessories. I can still hear her voice telling me that I "needed those cute shoes". God....I loved that woman.
As her time here on earth was coming to an end, I'm so glad that I was able to spend time with her. Yeah...it was hard visiting with her and she didn't remember my name or she thought I was someone else...but in her eyes, I could tell she knew it was me.
The saturday before she died, my father pulled me aside and told me that he didn't think she had much time left and that he thought I needed to spend as much time with her as I could. I didn't really want to believe the words he was saying. The next day, I went to church and talked to my Pastor and let him know what was going on. I stopped by and visited with her after church...something told me to go. Not something....God told me to stop what I was doing. This was more important.
She wasn't right. She wasn't the same. She was watching something on TV, some sports program - something she didn't normally watch. She had this faraway look in her eyes and she would go from crying to smiling in a matter of seconds. She didn't say anything most of my visit with her. I just held her hand and told her how much I loved her. She just looked at me and smiled and rubbed my hand. As I got ready to go, I told her that I loved her once again and she looked me in the eye and said "I love you, too".
I drove away that day in tears. I knew we didn't have much time left and I made a promise to myself to spend my lunches at work with her. After all, she wasn't far from my job and I could sit and just spend time with her. I wanted as much time as possible.
That next day, I'm working from home with the kids and I tell them that we're gonna go to Mcdonalds and grab a bite to eat and go visit Big Mama. Just then, my phone rang and it was my dad. I will NEVER forget the sound of his voice and the words he said next...."baby...I wanted to call you first and let you know that Big Mama passed this morning..."
A blur of screaming, crying, pleading, begging and pain followed for what seemed like an eternity. I remember laying on the floor in my room beside my bed in a ball of disbelief and tears. I couldn't function. I couldn't think. I'm not sure how my ex-husband got there because I couldn't figure out how to work my phone to call anyone. I'm so thankful for him.
I composed myself to go with my father to make the arrangements for my grandmother, something I didn't think I'd be strong enough to do, but this was the last shopping trip per se for me and her and I had to suck it up and be there.
The course of the week leading to her funeral was a blur, but through the support of my friends and my sister, I never would've made it through. And I did make it. Now, unfortunately, I still have moments where I don't really believe that she's gone and I know it just takes time. I miss her so much and I just try to make her proud everyday. I'm glad that my children got to know her. My youngest climbed up in my lap the other day and told me that he misses her. Here's a picture of us at my highschool graduation....yeah, we were both crying.
I've had a rough year, but things are really looking up. And I'm promising myself to get back to my writing on a consistent basis. I don't always have some deep, thought provoking message to share with people. Sometimes, its nothing at all....but it means something to me.I hope you'll check back in.....I'll be here and I'll leave the light on for ya!
Love and Light,
vintageMelody
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