Too many topics

I very rarely have times that I sit down to write and I have too many topics on my mind to narrow down to one, single topic. Today happens to be one of those days...I can't figure out exactly what I want to write about. I was talking with my friend Flex last night about writing and I mentioned to her that I wanted to write about censorship and insecurity and possible combining the two, I woke up this morning and read a friends' blog and he was talking about doing familiar things after a long time - that got me thinking, I just don't know. I think I'll go with my first thought and write about that and then hit on the familiarity thing later.

Here we go:

Lately I've been a lot more cautious than normal in my writings because of a certain circumstance. I'm a pretty open person, and I rarely use names in my blogs to protect the guilty :) Anyway...I was dealing with a situation that caused me to seriously consider every word that I wrote and I didn't like it. Going back and reading some of the things that I've written, whether I've posted them or not - I was censoring myself(more than normal).

The problem with this is that this is not a decision that I think I made myself, but because of higher than normal activity to my blog, it made me question what I wrote and what I was writing. On one hand I cared what was written and who was being protected, but on the other hand I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

At the start of the New Year, I went back to read some of my older entries and was wondering if any of what I said could be misinterpreted in anyway. I guess if you don't really know me and know some of the issues that I've faced in 2004-2005, you could read my blog thinking one thing and it's actually something else. Now...do I feel a need to clarify? No. I don't need to clarify any of my actions over the past year ANYBODY. Things that happen in the past, were in the past and they cannot be taken back. I don't have a need to justify anything to anyone in particular. This leads me into my 2nd topic of this post - insecurity.

I used to be a very insecure child, girl and woman. It was not until the ending of my marriage and divorce that I feel I lost my insecure thinking. I was always wondering if I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, this or that. I was so busy worried if I wasn't enough of something that I couldn't just enjoy what was going on around me. I dealt with insecurity at work, in my sorority, with my friends and especially guys. Being a survivor of domestic violence and rape, I became especially insecure with men. I was so worried that I was going to say something wrong or do something that was going to make them leave or hit me. This was something that I would deal with in relationships for 8 years. Once my marriage ended and I was pretty much back to square one - I decided to deal with my issues headon. I soon realized that I was/am pretty, I have a lot to offer the right man and I'm very secure in myself now. This has helped me tremendously in relationships since my marriage. Because I'm so confident in myself as a woman, I don't worry about whatever guy I'm dating. I realized that I cannot control anyone and that I have to trust what they're telling me.

I was dating this guy that told me that he slept with someone else. I never questioned who the woman was that he slept with because of two reasons: 1. I wasn't his girlfriend, 2. what difference would it have made if I knew who she was? Now, the me 3 years ago? She would have wanted to know who she was, when did it happen, where was I, what I could have done differently about the situation. The me now? I appreciated him telling me (because he really didn't have to - he didn't owe me anything) and we were able to move on from the situation - seriously. I have never thrown it in his face, we didn't even talk about it after he told me and we never had to have any long, drawn out conversation about it.

What changed in the me from 3 years ago to the me now? I'm secure in my womanhood. It's not cocky, but secure. Once you get to know me, you find out that I'm not like most women. The things that bother most woman don't really bother me. I go into relationships now with a clear understanding of who I am and what I want. I set the level of expectations and I work to meet those. If I'm in a casual relationship, then I know that there are going to be times that he may be out with someone else - hell, there may be times when he calls me that I may be out with someone else. As long as everyone involved knows the rules, so to speak, then I'm okay. I know what to expect of him and he will know what to expect of me. I understand the value of friends of the opposite sex and the healthy role that they can play in a relationship. I have friends that are of the opposite sex and I know that going forward into any relationship that I'll be in - those men that have played a role in my life aren't going anywhere and any man that cannot be with me because of those men - can keep on stepping. This being said, the man I could be with could also have friends that are girls. I really don't care, I can't worry about any other woman if I'm secure in myself.

So...how do censorship and insecurity tie together? I had been censoring myself and my blog because of someone else's insecurity. Guess what? Not anymore. See the thing is - while anyone can look on my blog and read anything that I've written, they're not getting the entire story of anything, and any story on my blog could potentially be about any particular person - and most times, it's not about the person that most people think it's about.

Going forward, I'm going to write about whatever I want to write about, whoever I want to write about as well. I'm not going to second guess myself for the sake of anyone. Now, I'm not going to write private and explicit entries...I've never done that and I'm not going to start now. I'm not going to attack anyone with words through my blog - I'd rather do that in person anyway :) I'm just going to be me!!

I think I read somewhere about awakening a sleeping giant :) They don't know what they're in for....

Vintage Me >.<